Without You

I'm sitting on this porch
     Without you.
I'm watching the orange
     Take over the blue.
Before long it will be too late
     No escape.
There's no surrender now
     Forget it.
Then it was now or never
     Gone like a feather.
I've tasted the freedom now
     Can't you see?
The only thing I need
     Is me.
I've got my own back
     Without you.
I'm letting the happy
     Take over the blue.

Before

She runs till she can run no more,
Arms wide to take life in.
She sees what she did not before -
Some things just cannot break her skin.

She'll raise her eyes up to the sky,
Forget all of this pain.
Open her soul and fly up high -
She knows she will find love again.

She can't see what the future holds,
But fear she does not feel.
She laughs at lies that she's been told -
Emotion makes her strong as steel.

Her heart is strong deep in its core,
Right now its walls are weak.
She sees what she did not before -
For strength, all she must do is speak.

Presence

It's that feeling when you say you miss me so much
It's that deep down, heart wrenching throb in my gut.
In your arms is where I'd rather be
Than halfway across this huge country.
Without you, I'm sure that I can get by
But Mister, that's one thing I'm loathe to try.
I'd love to wake up with you by my side
The palm of your hand against my thigh.
I love the way you touch my hair
The feel of your skin against mine; bare.
I can't wait until I can see you again
Sweet nothings in text will suit me til then.
Words from you in the morning make my day
Without them I fear I'd get lost in the fray.
No matter how close or far you are
The strength of your presence warms my heart.

The Way I Am

I wish I didn't have to explain

Why I am the way I am.

Isn't it enough to say:

It's natural, it cannot change.

I love who I love

If their hand fits my glove.

I refuse to please society

And its fucked up views on monogamy.

The American Dream is a trap -

It will eventually lead to a collapse.

Devoting your life to just one soul

Takes away chances for personal growth.

The last thing I want is to be stuck in one place,

Unable to move, and unable to chase

The dreams that run throughout my head

Which lead me to have an open bed.

My arms are open, open wide

If I accept your heart, please come inside.

All I want is to share my life

With those who don't see me as a prize.

The last thing I am is a trophy.

If all you see is my beauty,

Please move on, I need much more

Than someone who wants me to stand by the door

And show off the home with a white picket fence -

That life would only make me depressed.

I want to explore the wide open world

I am so much more than a little girl!

I have goals and dreams and so much hope.

The last thing I need is to be held down by rope.

I want to run and be wild - no holding back

By the things society seems to lack.

I'm forgetting all the lies that I have been told

The last thing I have to do is fit a mold.

I'll shout in the face of those who disagree!

I won't give up my chance to be free.

The last thing I want to do is conform

To the bullshit that's called "Societal Norms."

I'll fly way up into the sky,

Let my wings take me high, high, high.

Looking down I'll see the crowds,

Of those who are trapped beneath the clouds.

I'll shout to them to break out of the box.

Come join me where there are no locks

To hold you back and beat you down,

Above the clouds, you cannot drown.

Be who you are and you will see

How wrong society can be.

A Yearning

I woke up late last night,
Not knowing where I was.
My heart beat hard with fright,
And my head was full of fuzz.

I felt something was missing,
What it could be I did not know.
In my head there was a whisper,
At my side an evanescent glow.

Above me shone a sea of stars,
Deep in which I knew I'd find,
Something that would grasp my heart,
And titillate my mind.

I searched hard for an answer,
All throughout the night.
But the only thing that came was fear,
And a yearning for the light.

At once I woke up from my dream,
But the feeling had not left.
All I wanted was to scream -
I didn't even have a guess.

For a moment all that came were tears,
Then suddenly I knew:
In my dreams I have to face my fears,
To make my way to you.

This is Our Home

Just like that, the walls came down.
Things changed by leaps and bounds.
Everything inside poured out and
Ripped apart all below the clouds.
Turmoil and chaos reigned the Earth
From the highest trees down to the dirt.
Disease and warfare pervaded the land
Until suddenly a shout rang loud!
It was the cry of those who'd been oppressed
Who had nothing left in which to invest.
They wondered: What happened to opportunity?
We were led to believe this was the land of the free.
We are top notch, boastful - we are the elite.
It's obvious now that it's all about greed.
Be the best, climb the ladder, get to the top.
Success is all that matters - forget about cost.
Material goods make us feel like gods,
For a time it seemed there was no way to fall.
Looking back it seems obvious - we should have known.
Prosperity and peace can only last for so long.
So now that we've fallen, we have to get up.
Heads held high, stand our ground, wipe the dirt off our butts.
Together we're strong, we can bring about change.
Hold our leaders accountable for fixing their ways.
Organize yourselves, get together and talk!
The next thing you know we'll be walking the walk.
The future holds promise, of that I am sure,
If we stay strong and remember:
                           This is our home.

Good Moments

Last night we sat under the magic moon,
I never imagined something like this could happen so soon.
The moon rose high above the trees,
That moment - I wish we could freeze.
The full, bright circle rose so high,
We watched it peak into the sky.
The fullness took my breath away,
But you did too, when I heard you say:

"Look my dear, up past the clouds.
Doesn't the galaxy make you aroused?
There's something special about the stars,
There's so much out there, far past Mars.
Think of all we have to see!
Out past these Purple Mountains Majesty.
The universe, it screams so loud!
There's so much out there to be found."

Let's dance together, under the moon.
You make me feel like a little girl - I swoon.
My heart beat throbs when you look at me,
Much like the waves of the tidal sea.
Again, we'll meet under the sky.
We'll forget the world, and away we'll fly.
Come with me, let's take a chance.
This universe deserves so much more than a glance.

Another.

More words exploding out of me.  I'm loving this. :)


I tried so hard to make you see.
Why couldn't you have thought of me?
We used to laugh and smile, but then,
I got buried in the sand.
Remember how it was back when,
We used to laugh and smile, but then,
We drifted apart like weeds in the sea.
Why can't you just remember me?
I lost you, lost you, long ago,
Buried down under the snow.
Asleep like bears in hibernation,
Will you come back and take your place and,
We can dance away again.
Forget this awful, lonesome trend.
Pull me into you arms, and then,
Show me you think of me please, man.

I Got Inspired.

I finally found my words.  I found my inspiration.  It's been way too long, and I've been trying to find it again.

So earlier, I had to find a pen because these words were threatening to spew out of me everywhere if I didn't.  This is rough, but it's a beginning.  So here's what I wrote.

You didn't even fight for me.

There were some things I really would've liked to hear you say.

But it was easy --

       Oh, so easy...
For you to let me go.

Did you ever even have it in you?

Did you ever have the drive?

I feel like you were just pretending,

When you said your heart was mine.

You used to say you loved me.

Why did that have to stop?

You forgot all about me.

Left me behind.

         In the dust.

You couldn't even look me in the eyes when we fucked.

But you won't find me up all night.

       No.
You won't.

I'm moving on. I've made up my mind.

You're not worth my precious time.

I have bigger, better things to do,

       Baby, than waste myself on you.

I could've shown you so, so much.

I hope you know I really tried.

But I'm not wasting any more time,

Waiting for you to smile.

It's my time to shine.

Month of Harve, Day 16 (Night)

I was right.  Someone had been calling out my name.  It was Ser Deston, Lord Guinn's calling man.  I let myself down from the tree and went to him, knowing that there would only be one reason for Deston to come looking for me.  I took my time making my way through the garden to him.

"Ah, there you are, miss Mihlen.  I've been looking high and low for you."  I doubt the man has a care for anything in his brain, except pleasing the Lord.  Maybe he should just offer himself on a silver platter, or try for the position of concubine.  He might just pull it off.

"Sorry, I was daydreaming."  I came up with a story that would sound good to him.  It's rather frowned upon for the mistresses to be climbing trees.  Although it probably wouldn't have mattered if I had told him I was off gallivanting with wizards and slaying dragons.

"Ah, yes yes.  Come my dear.  The Lord has want of you."  He turned and strode off, me in step behind him.  I followed Deston through the house the fifteen of us share.  There are special rooms designed for Lord Guinn's liking located at the front of the house.  You never know which one he'll feel the desire to use.  It was the luxury room, filled to the brim with the finest silk straight from the island of Kree.  The carpet is thick, the color of wine.  And the dressings on the bed are made of violet silk.  The bed frame itself is carved of the rare blue-colored wood from Vaelle.

Deston held open the door for me, announcing my arrival.  "Lordship, your Mihlen has arrived."  I walked in, and the door shut behind me.

I suppose I had been expecting the usual.  Lord Guinn is fairly predictable, especially depending upon which room he chooses.  Usually the luxury room means that he wants to be more gentle and chivalrous.  But when that door shut behind me and I looked in his eyes, I was terrified.  He was sitting at a small table across the room.  His broad shoulders were stiff, and his eyes seemed like they would catch fire with fury.

I froze.  I have never seen him like that in the four years I've served as concubine.  When I was little, working in the manor kitchen, there was one time I saw him angry.  The chef had cooked up lamb to serve to the ambassador from Ruiz, who was apparently vegetarian.  Lord Guinn had stormed into the kitchen in a fury, yelling and cursing the chef, who had consequently resigned the next day.  And even then, he was not as angry as he was now.  The difference was like hot and cold.  Years ago, he had been an over-boiling kettle.  Now, he was calculated and smooth.

"Come here."  I did what he said.  I feared what would happen if I didn't.  I'm sure I showed that in my demeanor, for his eye glinted at me like I was weak prey.

"Something is different about you."  I stood before him, tense with worry.  "I felt it last night.  It woke me from my sleep."  He sat in the chair, his stance seemingly casual.  One elbow was on the arm of the chair, and he leaned to the side, the opposite leg extended.  "I couldn't get back to sleep once I realized what it was.  Something in our bond has changed.  I can feel it crumbling even now."

I stared at him, bewildered.  It is true, I do feel different.  Somehow, I am suddenly aware of other people's emotions.  I'm even more aware of my own.  Over the last day, since I had the dream, I've felt more than ever in my life.

His eyes lost some of their cold glint, it seemed.  I was still wary, for I could see the anger he held in his body.  I knew that he was thinking that his property had been damaged, or tampered with.  "Now, Mihlen," his voice was softer, "I just want to know what happened.  I can see that you are conflicted.  I can feel it."  He stood, towering above me.  Over the last few years, I have learned to be comfortable around him.  When I was sixteen, and just barely taken into the harem, I remember being terrified of his huge proportions.  Any girl would be.

I stood my ground, not meeting his eye.  I wasn't sure if I should tell him about the dream.  What would he say?  How would I sound if I told him I dreamed of a world of fire and a girl who resembled me?  Or that an ethereal woman had come to me, telling me to leave this place?

He was calculating me, and I could feel it in my bones.  After a moment he spoke again, his voice quiet, the steel gone.  "When I bought you, I knew that you were different.  All anyone has to do is look at those strange amber eyes of yours.  You were so much more valuable because of those eyes.  Babies are valuable as it is because we can train them from birth to be what we want them to be... But those eyes made you ten times the price of any normal infant."

Lord Guinn took me by my shoulders and sat me down.  He took the seat across the table from me.  I didn't know what to think of this strange show of emotion from him.  He was always stoic.  The last thing you expected was for him to be sentimental.  It almost seemed that the more emotion I felt, the more he reacted.

"The slaver I bought you from told me she had found you among rubble, laying next to the dead body of your mother.  It appeared as though she had given birth to you in the middle of the raid.  She said your mother had likely died while giving birth to you without aid."  He paused, looking at me.  Was it pity I saw in his eyes?  "Your father... Was killed by the slavers.  They took all of the children and women and killed the men of the village."

As he spoke, I felt my mouth open slightly.  Of course I have wondered over the years about my past, and where I came from.  But I had learned very early on not to question it.  There would be no answers.  I felt completely shocked.  I looked down at my hands laying in my lap.  They were shaking.  A million questions were running through my mind.  "Why are you telling me this, Ser?"

It felt as though I had broken through thin ice and fallen into the glacial water below.  His eyes grew hard again, and he seemed to gather himself.  "No matter.  I have to deal with this problem.  I will break the binds that now connect us.  It must be so for me to form a new and stronger bond."

I dug my fingers into my skirts.  I could not allow this to happen.  The feeling of urgency in my chest was so strong, there was no way to ignore it.  I played my only available card.  "Ser, please.  You don't understand."  I was afraid I had wrecked my chance of reasoning with him by asking that stupid question.  "I was dreaming, Ser."

This got the attention I wanted.  "Dreaming?  Slaves don't dream.  Property doesn't dream."  He was perplexed.  "And... What were you dreaming, then?"

"I... The world was all afire."  I stopped then, putting a mask of fear on my face.  "Everyone was burning.  I searched and searched, and finally found a strange stone building.  The only entrance was through a mirror.  And in the mirror, I saw a girl who looked strangely like me."

I tried to gauge his reaction.  He was looking at the carpet, lost in thought.  I took this moment of vulnerability to act.  "Ser, you were so honest with me just a few moments ago.  I want to make sure that I can be honest with you, Ser.  I'm afraid to tell you what came next in my dream."

Lord Guinn raised his head and stared at me with his blue eyes.  The look on my face must have convinced him, because he nodded and gestured me on with my tale.

"Ser... In my dream, a beautiful woman came to me and told me something.  She knew my name.  The woman told me that I must come to her.  She said it was urgent."  I finished, and looked at the Lord sitting across from me.  He didn't say anything, just looked at me.  "Ser, I did not ask for this.  I know not what this woman wants of me, or even where she wants me to go.  I just feel... Different, Ser."  I looked down at the ground, saying nothing.

"What did the woman look like?"

I closed my eyes, remembering her.  "She had long silvery hair.  She was tall, and she seemed to glow.  Her voice was completely enchanting.  Although she seemed very wise, she was ageless.  Her body was unbent by the weight of so many years.  Her hands were softer than the silk in this room."

We sat in silence for a time.  The sky outside the window was full of stars when Lord Guinn finally shifted and stood.  He paced along the room, his strides long and slow, hands behind his back.  "Mihlen, if any of the other girls told me this, I would tell them they needed to stop reading so many fairy tales.  But the price I paid for you was far more than that of ordinary girls.  I do not believe you are like anyone else alive.  There is something about you.  The only time a slave bond has been broken like this is if someone on the outside of that bond damages it.  The slave does not have the ability to do so.

"Before my grandfather died, he told me that he had met a God, once.  He said that Shiv, the God of change came to him in a dream, warning him of a shift of balance to come.  Shiv told him to prepare, for something foul was happening in the heavens.  It's no secret that there are things walking this earth that should not be in existence.  The numbers have been growing slowly over the last thirty years.  More and more, we hear stories of demons attacking travelers and even patrols.

"I may question what a girl who just barely passed two decades can do to help the situation.  But I feel for some reason that the right thing to do is help you.  If the Gods need you for their cause, so be it."  He stopped his pacing and turned to look down at me.  I thought I saw a glint pass through his eyes, but it may have been the flickering of a candle.  "You should go get some sleep.  We will be better suited to finding a solution to your dream after we've had some rest."

The Lord took my hand and led me to the door, which he opened for me.  Outside, Deston was dozing in a chair.  He snorted himself awake at the squeak of the door hinges and bolted to a standing position.  "Ser."

"Take Mihlen to bed, Deston."  He began walking away.  But after a few steps, he turned.  "As an afterthought... Mihlen, tell me if what we talked about happens again."  He strode away, leaving Deston to take me away.

"Ah, yes, miss.  Let us get you to sleep."  Deston continued babbling on as we made our way to the sleeping quarters.  I am writing now, before I go to sleep and lose the freshness of the memory.  I wait for what tomorrow has in store for me.