greener

the grass is always greener
is the story of my life
I swear there's nothing truly
that will make me satisfied
something's always broken
nothing's never gained
and once I get down to it
I'm sure I'm just afraid -
afraid of what? commitment?
afraid of what? the truth?
or maybe I'm just searching
for something worth to lose -
or something whose attention
I do not have to fight
something whose affections
bring me to the light
the grass is always greener
maybe that's reality
should I shift and settle
or hold out until I'm free?

seeds

the worst feeling is
the loss of one loved;
a feeling of wrenching
so strong in your gut;
the terror, the clenching,
from down, deep inside -
it sets you to trembling,
a Choice: Fight or Flight?
To fight and risk losing,
whatever pride's left
to fly and avoid it,
not know what was best.
Inclination is: fleeing,
from what's causing pain -
logically it's clear
that won't help bring gain -
but fighting: it's freeing,
it plants seeds of growth,
it bolsters conviction,
and brings the heart hope.
Only when it's returned,
can something be brewed;
so I'll keep on fighting,
to see what you do.

lingerer

I hate you 'cause I love you
and I know you love me, too.
I love the way your eyes shine
that deep, inviting blue.
It pulls me in, so haunting -
grasping, pawing at my soul,
daring me to chase you,
to leap through a solid wall.
The bricks are daunting to me,
keeping me held back.
There's something in your manner
suggesting you'd feel trapped.
No matter what my heart says,
I'm scared to show my hand.
My instinct says you're flawless -
my head knows you are fanged.
There's danger in your waters;
the faintest ripple of a shark.
It's keeping me from trying
to see what's within your heart.
Some day, I hope, I'll find you,
a beacon blaring bright.
But if I don't, I'm sure that
you'll still linger in my mind.

promise

The words I mean to leave my lips
are always jumbled, always missed
and every time I try to speak
the sounds come out so wrong it seems
that though I want to lift you up
I only make bad things erupt so
I want you just to know I care
and that I know you're lost somewhere
deep inside a foggy brain
I hope you know you're worth something
you're worth the world and more, I swear
the stars and galaxy are paled
by everything that shines in you the
force is greater than the moon's,
and though you may not feel it now
my heart is open to your hand and
I by your side, promise to stay
even on the worst of days
I'll be here, strong, with open arms
to welcome you in from the storm from
which my Nest, you've held me close
so please, let me return that hope.

distressed

I feel weak, I feel strung out
can barely muster strength to shout
although that's what I want to do
it won't fix this case of blues
pull the pieces back together
shove them, stick them, make them better
eat some chocolate, drink some wine
the pain will ease with pass of time
my heart aches deep inside my chest
it signifies a deep distress
the next step here is: LET IT OUT
break down walls and scream and shout
cry and thrash and break some things
turn up the music loud and sing
belt it till my voice goes hoarse
let this panic run it's course
write something, or paint, or run
make it match beat of my drum
the drum that pounds inside my chest
the one that tells me: I'm distressed!
I keep on searching for a cure
something to make my heart less sore
a laugh, a smile, brings respite
reminds me there's end to the night
so if I just keep pushing through
eventually, there'll be no blue
to hold me down and back me up
instead good things will fill my cup
and from within this sad cocoon
a strong, sweet soul will surely bloom.

another day

Something I've discovered,
is that life will be okay.
No matter what the circumstance,
there'll come another day.
A day to tackle mountains,
to see the whole world shine
A day to conquer oceans,
and to wash away the brine.
The stars will shine forever,
a new world always turns.
The sun peeks up at morning,
waves, by the moon, are stirred.
There will be beginning,
each time there comes an end.
Flowers, each spring, blossom,
after winter's frosty hand.
Life is full of learning,
and of mistakes to be made.
But all these things are worth it -
open minds, they relish change.

doors, time, and distance

A white
                ghost
hangs
at the end of my bed
keeps reminding me of
things left
                unsaid
the satin,
                wrinkled
winks at me
at times brings back
fond
                memories
those times we looked
up at the stars
those days we thought
the world was
                ours
certain we were of
our uncertain fates
were so damn
                blind
to unworkable traits
the factors that
one day would lead
us to realize
we could not
                be
some things cannot
be overcome
cannot disappear with
soap and tongues
no measure could
try to
                repair
sometimes I wonder:
was there anything there?
of course there was
I know for sure
                it's just
time and distance
                closed

                our

                door

something profound

SOMETHING causes me to feel this way:
I think you've got strong things to say.
Why don't those words just leave your lips?
Please spit it out, I'll man my ship.
There must be something on your mind.
Why is it that I feel so blind?
Blind to your thoughts, your feels, your wants...
Just say something, I need response!
Maybe out of fear I look too deep -
I try too hard to find something.
Something that will make me sting,
will make me want to break my stuff,
make me feel I am enough,
enough for you to stick around,
for you to want to make a sound.
I cannot be the only one,
to step up, openly confront,
the feelings that I have toward this,
this never-ending deep abyss.
A rock must in time stop it's fall.
At this thought, I feel appalled.
Can I accept good energy?
Why can't I realize my old dreams?
Something inside holds me back.
It wraps me tight, keeps me entrapped.
Why must "trap" even be a part,
Of anything inside my heart?
It cannot, should not, will not be!
I must let this go with certainty,
Or capture it and break it down,
Rip it up and stomp around.
Pull it open, dig it out,
distill it down to end this drought,
before I ruin what's been found;
lose something I hold profound.

Submersion

Submerge yourself, immerse yourself.
Cut out all the noise.
Extract yourself, distract yourself.
Forget your tiny size.
Take a deep breath, breathe again.
Feel your heart beat in your chest.
Touch the ground beneath your feet.
Close your eyes and take this test.
Focus - deep down, bring it out.
Grasp it, pull it, tear it up.
What has brought you to this point?
What is there yet to come?
Look to the deep inside yourself.
Do not let you run from this.
Something's in there, something dark.
It grows beneath the surface.
What is it, this murky beast?
This thing defies attention.
It is gross and wrong and foul.
This will take more than reflection.
A war is coming, battling fear.
Prepare abundantly.
The psyche will take mighty blows.
Strikes to the ego there will ring.
Blood upon this shall be spilled.
Loss will come, intense.
There's only one thing left to do:
Let down all defense.

steel

3/10/15

"Love doesn't exist," she said,
heart shrouded, and stained.
He looked into her eyes, asked,
"Why are you afraid?"
No answer from her lips;
she's frozen, can't stand.
Strings move her toward something,
knows not what's in hand.
Drowning in memories
that seem best left forgot,
sometimes she wishes
she could jump off the dock.
She fumbles and bumbles,
doesn't know why she strives.
Her heart keeps on bleeding
welling up deep inside.
Will someone come fix her?
Drag her toward the shore?
It's certain she'll have to
let the tide clean her sores.
He's standing right there
screaming out, "Help is here!"
But she's deaf to his efforts;
she's too riddled with fear.
There are some things that
time cannot begin to heal;
the damage, the suffering
cover her heart in thick steel.
Only time can begin
to even think to erase,
to close up those old wounds,
restore heart with grace.

To Run

Run.
Run, and run, and run;
don't stop.
Do your best to
just get lost.
Forget today,
tomorrow, next year.
Leave behind that
which has caused fear.
Dive right in the
deep dark sea.
Leave behind any
saddening memory.
Scream so loud
your throat goes raw.
Make that found
be full of awe.
The skies are open
ever endlessly.
Find what you seek
and make it sing.
The best things follow
that which takes work.
Push so hard
your face will smirk.
Push til it takes -
question, confront.
But last of all,
remember most:
it's always best
to run.

Which Side?

There's a tug and pull from
Two different sides.
Between such opposites,
I feel deep a fright.

The feminine, the sexy,
The pure, the chaste one,
The power, the pulsing;
To which side do I run?

Do I be who I am,
Risk some kind of scorn?
Or hide my true side,
Leave it forever unknown?

At the same time I'm not just
Some pretty, sweet little thing;
A toy here to play with,
To pull 'round on a chain.

I want some connection,
To come with intimacy,
To feed into my core,
And lift up my whole being.

There must be something between
Life long and just friends.
I must find that balance,
So my life's not pretend.

Fairy Tales

I want to be appreciated for
Things I appreciate about myself.
Please don't contradict me
Or try to stow me on a shelf.
I want those who see within me
To see what I see within myself.
If I'm stronger than you think I am
You're missing something else.
I want a gentle lover 'cause
I am so gentle with myself.
Someone who understands my heart

And leaves nothing left withheld.

I want a heart that burns white hot

Dances fire and fire with myself.

An ember blazing in the dark

That just will not be dispelled.

I want soft lips to match the way

Soft words echo from myself.

Words so deep and true and honest

Any doubts are chased with stealth.

But most of all I want someone to realize

The dreams I have for my future self.

To grasp my hand and run through time

Chase those stories, grasp those fairy tales.

Frozen Brain

Sometimes the worst days
turn into the best.
Wake up, heart's stopped,
feeling depressed.

Minutes drag on,
leaving a trail.
Making forseen
the next time you fail.

You don't think
the worst thing
can happen -
It does.

Guard is dropped
frozen brain
reaching for stuff.

Someone steps in,
makes a diff'rence,
does something kind,
something Significant.

Earth resumes rotate,
breathing begins.
Movement is steady,
heart beats again.

Today is saved.
The sun shines again.
World's not all bad,
out there are Friends.

The Way I Am

I wish I didn't have to explain

Why I am the way I am.

Isn't it enough to say:

It's natural, it cannot change.

I love who I love

If their hand fits my glove.

I refuse to please society

And its fucked up views on monogamy.

The American Dream is a trap -

It will eventually lead to a collapse.

Devoting your life to just one soul

Takes away chances for personal growth.

The last thing I want is to be stuck in one place,

Unable to move, and unable to chase

The dreams that run throughout my head

Which lead me to have an open bed.

My arms are open, open wide

If I accept your heart, please come inside.

All I want is to share my life

With those who don't see me as a prize.

The last thing I am is a trophy.

If all you see is my beauty,

Please move on, I need much more

Than someone who wants me to stand by the door

And show off the home with a white picket fence -

That life would only make me depressed.

I want to explore the wide open world

I am so much more than a little girl!

I have goals and dreams and so much hope.

The last thing I need is to be held down by rope.

I want to run and be wild - no holding back

By the things society seems to lack.

I'm forgetting all the lies that I have been told

The last thing I have to do is fit a mold.

I'll shout in the face of those who disagree!

I won't give up my chance to be free.

The last thing I want to do is conform

To the bullshit that's called "Societal Norms."

I'll fly way up into the sky,

Let my wings take me high, high, high.

Looking down I'll see the crowds,

Of those who are trapped beneath the clouds.

I'll shout to them to break out of the box.

Come join me where there are no locks

To hold you back and beat you down,

Above the clouds, you cannot drown.

Be who you are and you will see

How wrong society can be.

A Favorite Tool

A lot of times, I find myself having a hard time coming up with something to write.  Usually, I find that if I can just find a starting point, I can go somewhere with it.  I found this wonderful tool with the help of stumbleupon.  Oneword.com is a website that can help me solve this problem.  It's very simple.  You click the "go" button on the homepage.  It shows you a word, and gives you one minute to write whatever you can think about it.  The site then posts your minute's worth of writing with all the other people who have participated that day.  I also enjoy looking back at other people's posts to see what ideas a single word could spark.

The one negative side that I've found with this site is that it only gives one word per day.  I would love if it were unlimited and you could just click it a hundred times.  So I decided to make a similar tool with things at my own house.  The concept is the same.  I wrote a whole bunch of descriptive words down on pieces of paper and put them in a bag.  I mix them up and draw out a word when I feel the need for some inspiration.  An egg-timer is always handy to give myself a time limit.  The results of my writing get put away, maybe to be used as inspiration later for some other writing task I have in mind.  On good occasions, I might actually decide to go with the flow and ignore the timer!

I'm feeling the need for some inspiration, so I'm going to use the grab bag method right now, and write for ten minutes.  I'm also closing out of Facebook so I won't get distracted....

My word is... Sheep!

My sister was always dragging around that little stuffed sheep.  I remember wondering why she was so attached to it.  Granted, I didn't stop sleeping with a stuffed animal until I was nineteen, and started sleeping regularly at night with my then boyfriend. 

She called it "Lamby."  My mom had to take it from her a few times and force her to wash it.  My sister always hated that.  Lamby would be too wet for her to carry around for a few days.  I let her borrow some of my stuffed animals when she was alone without her stuffed sheep.  One was a stuffed rabbit dressed in ballerina clothing I called "Bun-Bun."  I remember being so devastated when she finally fell apart.

Lamby actually disappeared once.  It was the summer my parents took us to Disneyland.  I was twelve, and my little sisters were ten.  We stayed in a hotel for five days.  We visited with my grandpa and his family.  And at the end of the trip, we forgot to check under the beds.  My dad always told us to check under the beds before we left anywhere, and we forgot.  To this day, I won't forget again.  Poor Lamby got left under the bed, deserted in a lonely hotel.

Somehow, we forgot all about Lamby until it was too late to go back.  My sister was so upset.  No, we couldn't replace Lamby with a new Lamby!  It just wasn't possible to fix, no matter how hard my parents tried to console her.  But only a few days after we got home, we got a call from the hotel.  One of the cleaning crew had found Lamby under the bed, and thought some little girl would be missing it.  They had found my parent's information in their system.  They actually shipped the stuffed sheep back to us.  Of course, Lamby did have a detour on the way.  There was another town with the same name as the one we lived in in California, and that town's post office had to figure it out before they could sent it back on its way home.

My sister was so relieved have her sheep back. // END



Well, that was ten minutes.  It's interesting to see what comes to mind when I look at one little word.  I usually prefer to write fiction, typically fantasy or sci-fi.  But I couldn't resist writing some non-fiction when the word "sheep" triggered my memory.

My creative juices feel like they're flowing better now!  Critiques are always appreciated.

Until next time!