Epiphany

This epiphany has hit me;
somehow everything has changed.
Six months ago I woke up
ev'ry morn feeling afraid -
Afraid that you would leave me,
that you had no love to give -
Afraid of some dishonesty,
some lie to trap me in.
Somewhere along the line it seems
these fears, with time, dissolved.
Your presence now feels safe to me;
all my worries are assuaged.
Your arms bring me security;
they calm my roughest waves.
Your words bring me much comfort,
which softly shakes me from my daze.
Where once wounds, deep, had gouged me,
now only linger soft, white scars.
And though I'd locked my heart away,
you've crashed right through those bars.
So at once I'll say: I'm sorry,
for keeping up my guard.
But I'll also smile and thank you,
for softening up my heart.
Your patience has been crucial
in unlocking all my gates,
and at the top of these broad turrets,
my nest, you rest, and keep me safe.

bolder

I am not afraid of
hardship,
for it only makes me stronger.
at risk of being
hardened
I'll disturb my inner slumber.
I'd rather live in
danger
of the things that may disturb me,
than sit at home, pensive,
alone -
my components atrophying.
the licking tongues of flame filled
love
entice me, draw me closer -
and every time I think I'll
burn,
I end up growing bolder.
though I've failed time and again,
challenge
drives me ever forward,
instills a sense of comfort in the
growth
propelling upward
toward an open welcome sky,
devoid
of empty meaning,
so though storm clouds sometimes
approach,
you'll
never
        see me
                   fleeing.

more

I know not why some men do think
female only means the color pink.
There's nothing more to her than bows,
and for you is her choice of clothes.
Anything inside her brain,
because she's female, is insane.
Her opinions, silly, go unheard,
make her wonder, "am I absurd?"
Strength, once, power filled her heart,
now forgotten, dwindle in the dark.
Of course she knows not what she wants,
female, without man, is lost.
No recognition rots her core,
makes her forget she can do more
More
     than pretty, sweet, dear things
More 
     than shuttering her wings
More
     than soft, silent, demure
More
     than begging at your door
More
     than seeking approval
More
     than worth your betrothal
More
     than just your property
More
     which starts her heart to sing
Her symphony one day will rise,
within her chorus you'll realize:
ignoring her was a mistake,
now left behind, you're in her wake.
Her fire was easily sparked -
naturally, her light shone far.
The glow kindled her fantasies,
helped her navigate rough seas.
Mere glimpse of what there is to hold,
whetted her thirst to see the world.
Now she simply cannot stop
reaching, working, for her cause.
For once she found she was a star,
she woke up, moved on, reached for more.

another day

Something I've discovered,
is that life will be okay.
No matter what the circumstance,
there'll come another day.
A day to tackle mountains,
to see the whole world shine
A day to conquer oceans,
and to wash away the brine.
The stars will shine forever,
a new world always turns.
The sun peeks up at morning,
waves, by the moon, are stirred.
There will be beginning,
each time there comes an end.
Flowers, each spring, blossom,
after winter's frosty hand.
Life is full of learning,
and of mistakes to be made.
But all these things are worth it -
open minds, they relish change.

something profound

SOMETHING causes me to feel this way:
I think you've got strong things to say.
Why don't those words just leave your lips?
Please spit it out, I'll man my ship.
There must be something on your mind.
Why is it that I feel so blind?
Blind to your thoughts, your feels, your wants...
Just say something, I need response!
Maybe out of fear I look too deep -
I try too hard to find something.
Something that will make me sting,
will make me want to break my stuff,
make me feel I am enough,
enough for you to stick around,
for you to want to make a sound.
I cannot be the only one,
to step up, openly confront,
the feelings that I have toward this,
this never-ending deep abyss.
A rock must in time stop it's fall.
At this thought, I feel appalled.
Can I accept good energy?
Why can't I realize my old dreams?
Something inside holds me back.
It wraps me tight, keeps me entrapped.
Why must "trap" even be a part,
Of anything inside my heart?
It cannot, should not, will not be!
I must let this go with certainty,
Or capture it and break it down,
Rip it up and stomp around.
Pull it open, dig it out,
distill it down to end this drought,
before I ruin what's been found;
lose something I hold profound.

Submersion

Submerge yourself, immerse yourself.
Cut out all the noise.
Extract yourself, distract yourself.
Forget your tiny size.
Take a deep breath, breathe again.
Feel your heart beat in your chest.
Touch the ground beneath your feet.
Close your eyes and take this test.
Focus - deep down, bring it out.
Grasp it, pull it, tear it up.
What has brought you to this point?
What is there yet to come?
Look to the deep inside yourself.
Do not let you run from this.
Something's in there, something dark.
It grows beneath the surface.
What is it, this murky beast?
This thing defies attention.
It is gross and wrong and foul.
This will take more than reflection.
A war is coming, battling fear.
Prepare abundantly.
The psyche will take mighty blows.
Strikes to the ego there will ring.
Blood upon this shall be spilled.
Loss will come, intense.
There's only one thing left to do:
Let down all defense.

steel

3/10/15

"Love doesn't exist," she said,
heart shrouded, and stained.
He looked into her eyes, asked,
"Why are you afraid?"
No answer from her lips;
she's frozen, can't stand.
Strings move her toward something,
knows not what's in hand.
Drowning in memories
that seem best left forgot,
sometimes she wishes
she could jump off the dock.
She fumbles and bumbles,
doesn't know why she strives.
Her heart keeps on bleeding
welling up deep inside.
Will someone come fix her?
Drag her toward the shore?
It's certain she'll have to
let the tide clean her sores.
He's standing right there
screaming out, "Help is here!"
But she's deaf to his efforts;
she's too riddled with fear.
There are some things that
time cannot begin to heal;
the damage, the suffering
cover her heart in thick steel.
Only time can begin
to even think to erase,
to close up those old wounds,
restore heart with grace.

To Run

Run.
Run, and run, and run;
don't stop.
Do your best to
just get lost.
Forget today,
tomorrow, next year.
Leave behind that
which has caused fear.
Dive right in the
deep dark sea.
Leave behind any
saddening memory.
Scream so loud
your throat goes raw.
Make that found
be full of awe.
The skies are open
ever endlessly.
Find what you seek
and make it sing.
The best things follow
that which takes work.
Push so hard
your face will smirk.
Push til it takes -
question, confront.
But last of all,
remember most:
it's always best
to run.

Which Side?

There's a tug and pull from
Two different sides.
Between such opposites,
I feel deep a fright.

The feminine, the sexy,
The pure, the chaste one,
The power, the pulsing;
To which side do I run?

Do I be who I am,
Risk some kind of scorn?
Or hide my true side,
Leave it forever unknown?

At the same time I'm not just
Some pretty, sweet little thing;
A toy here to play with,
To pull 'round on a chain.

I want some connection,
To come with intimacy,
To feed into my core,
And lift up my whole being.

There must be something between
Life long and just friends.
I must find that balance,
So my life's not pretend.

Fairy Tales

I want to be appreciated for
Things I appreciate about myself.
Please don't contradict me
Or try to stow me on a shelf.
I want those who see within me
To see what I see within myself.
If I'm stronger than you think I am
You're missing something else.
I want a gentle lover 'cause
I am so gentle with myself.
Someone who understands my heart

And leaves nothing left withheld.

I want a heart that burns white hot

Dances fire and fire with myself.

An ember blazing in the dark

That just will not be dispelled.

I want soft lips to match the way

Soft words echo from myself.

Words so deep and true and honest

Any doubts are chased with stealth.

But most of all I want someone to realize

The dreams I have for my future self.

To grasp my hand and run through time

Chase those stories, grasp those fairy tales.

Fortune

Waiting for something,
to jump out at me.
Break open the shadows -
set passion free.

Why isn't it coming?
I swear it's right there.
I can sense a bright light;
it's blinding my fear.

I feel it coming,
on the tip of my tongue.
Something is brewing:
the most beautiful song.

With patience I'm sure
my heart will not stop.
Knowing fortune, then something
will land in my lap.

Enigmatic

You are somewhat enigmatic,
And I'm curious to know:
What is there inside of you?
Why do you hide your glow?

I think I'd like to find out,
Who you really are.
There's wonder hidden underneath -
I sense it from your heart.

And if I meet something too real,
Will I feel exposed?
What will I do if I find hell,
Behind the doors now closed?

If I reach out and take your hand,
And all it brings is pain,
Will I survive that wrath again?
You see why I'm afraid?

Despite all of my worries,
There's a part of me that stirs.
I dare to say it's worth the risk,
In quest for some thing more.

I don't want to fear for feel of love,
So try I will to seek the flame.
To reach through someone else's soul,
Is an act that holds no shame.

Something Beautiful

Something beautiful
My way did walk.
A figure so graceful,
My heart beat did stop.

Warm summer sunshine
Danced in the air -
A shimmer, a glimmer,
Of something so rare.

A hand that stretched out
For eternity,
Trying to reach;
To set the soul free.

Something beautiful,
It shivers, it sparks,
It glistens, it trembles,
It instigates art.

The glow of the stars
Will pale when compared
To anything given;
A happiness shared.

Chapter Two: A Whole Life

Goodbye to childhood,
To the pain in the past.
Farewell to anyone,
Who's e'er put me in last.

Goodbye to lost love,
To a tide of regrets.
So long to anything,
That's e'er caused stress.

Hello to today,
Tomorrow, next year.
Goodbye to anything,
That's e'er made me feel fear.

Hello to progress,
To moving forward in life.
I Welcome the future,
It shines oh, so bright.

With arms open wide,
I'll continue my growth.
The whole me is ready,
I've given my oath.


Background:

I wrote this on my 24th birthday, my golden birthday.  On that day, I burned a tree that my dad planted for me in our backyard when I was born.  It had gotten sick, and was rotting, so he cut it down and saved it for me.  It had been cut down for at least a year before he gave it to me.  It took me a little while to decide what to do with it.  I could have just burned it on a camping trip.  I decided, however, to burn it on my birthday this year as a symbol of my recently realized adulthood.

I took the time before burning it to chop it into smaller pieces with an axe, so it would fit into a fireplace.  It was extremely important to me that I went through this whole process myself, letting out my anger at the trauma I experienced in my youth.  This is the first year that I feel truly whole as a person, and able to tackle life with my head held high, unhindered by the anxiety and depression I struggled to conquer for more than a decade.

So here is a poem in dedication to my "baby tree," which I burned in the company of one of the most important people in my life, on a night I've chosen to symbolize the next chapter of my life.  Here's to moving forward, growing up, and leaving behind old wounds.

Do The Time

I hope one day to more than glimpse,

A moment of tingling fingertips.

A heart that beats in rhyme with mine,

A drum that shifts the sands of time.

Some chord with perfect melody,

A spirit to run free with me,

To grasp the tendrils of my flame,

To make me feel almost insane.

A force to defy common sense,

To break down any stupid fence.

That makes me want to shout with awe,

And leaves me feeling more than raw.

I want someone to do the time,

Resulting from our perfect crime.

Insecurities

Is there something wrong with me?
Is there something wrong with him?
Is there something wrong with everyone,
For whom I have a whim?

Is it possible to know,
When true love really hits?
Or do I have to wait around,
For my heart's apocalypse?

I often lay awake in wonder,
Of what will come to pass.
Eyes stay open full of worry;
Fear of having my hopes dashed.

In the end I'll be alone again,
So why try hard to fail?
It's because I see a burning light,
Piercing through my veil.

Today

I wanted to be mad today,
Before I passed the door.
But I can't find a way to stay,
Pissed off anymore.

I wanted to be dark today,
Keep the sun in shroud.
Grow the balls to smack your face,
But I don't see a cloud.

I wanted to be sad today,
Cry away your memory.
But something happened that's insane:
Your face I no longer see.

I wanted to scream loud today,
Show the world you're wrong.
Show you there's a price to pay,
For doing someone harm.

I realized something strong today:
For once I think you're gone.
I can no longer see your face,
So now I can move on.

Torrents

The rain comes in torrents;
A tale left unspoken,
Pounding with pressure,
Letting off gives release.

Wave upon wave,
Of unspoken promise;
Is it forsaken,
For a life of defeat?

A cold trail of water,
Washes the path.
The story moves forward,
Unsullied and clean.

Wet, saturated Earth
Holds no remorse.
Reflected in kind,
A tale more pristine.

The Rain

It's nice to sit out in the rain -
Some people say it's cold.
I let it wash away my pain,
So I can focus on my goals.
It's petrichor reminds me: be alive -
Pay attention to the world.
See all there is for which to strive;
There is so much more than gold.
I don't care too much for shiny things,
They dim the brilliance of the day.
I'd rather listen to a giggling stream,
Than go somewhere and pay.
Give me the high of Mary Jane,
And a kiss to get me through.
No days we have are all the same,
Today I'll sit in the rain and stew.

Edge of a Cliff

I'm on the edge of a cliff waiting for you,
To make up your mind - please tell me the truth.
Either let me fall or pull me in.
One way or another, I will begin.
With or without you, I will move on.
I want to do it together and make us strong.
If I must fall to the bottom and pick myself up,
I'm sure I can do it - my heart is tough.
I know it takes time to fall back in love,
And move past all of this horrible stuff.
But I'm fighting for balance while I wait to see,
If under the pain your heart still loves me.
Please push me off, man, or pull me back in,
So my heart can start moving forward again.