Me;Inspired.

Eyes won’t close to let me sleep;

beating, quaking, it’s bone deep –

Although my body’s weary, tired,

finally, I feel inspired:

For once within the last six months,

words drift, soft, right off my tongue.

Somehow, there’s this motivation -

suddenly I feel my place and,

reminders, bright, they grace my skin,

they tell me, here, begin again.

At my right side they hearken, near:

"Lift your chin up please, my dear!"

Women tied to my bloodstream

stand so strong, help me sing.

So to the left there’s family,

who lift me up and fill my wings,

remind me I can tame the beast,

reach out with love, encouraging,

who see there down on my right leg:

An image of a girl who played,

who, come the sunshine or the dark

always offered up her heart,

and grew into the woman, left,

whose fiery spirit laughed, and wept and

always carved out her own trail,

no matter if she’d win or fail.

So eyes, now open, to the past,

I feel existence on my back,

and though, some days, it feels heavy,

I will not hesitate to see

a universe full of wondrous things

connected to this earth by tree,

and not afraid, though sometimes lost,

I’ll wander, free, and fight with cause.

bolder

I am not afraid of
hardship,
for it only makes me stronger.
at risk of being
hardened
I'll disturb my inner slumber.
I'd rather live in
danger
of the things that may disturb me,
than sit at home, pensive,
alone -
my components atrophying.
the licking tongues of flame filled
love
entice me, draw me closer -
and every time I think I'll
burn,
I end up growing bolder.
though I've failed time and again,
challenge
drives me ever forward,
instills a sense of comfort in the
growth
propelling upward
toward an open welcome sky,
devoid
of empty meaning,
so though storm clouds sometimes
approach,
you'll
never
        see me
                   fleeing.

meteor storms

When I look down at your face I
get this sense of loneliness
eyes are closed, breathing paced
right beside me with such distance, you
lay beside me, touch me, warm
but I can't feel your energy
and in my eyes there is a storm
held back only with a bravery, which
threatens to erase, incinerate
anything that dares come near
this tempest comes and goes in waves
bursting, thirsting, full of fear, but
as I look on through the gale
a trailing glimmer lights the sky
the squall is now so strongly paled
by memories of hearts on high, and
though a scar has been undug
I know your hands, their healing touch;
tenderly the ache is calmed
as I remember: we are us, who
couldn't help but fall in love
when climbing, conquering our mountains
we have touched the stars above
as they connected Earth to Heaven.

distressed

I feel weak, I feel strung out
can barely muster strength to shout
although that's what I want to do
it won't fix this case of blues
pull the pieces back together
shove them, stick them, make them better
eat some chocolate, drink some wine
the pain will ease with pass of time
my heart aches deep inside my chest
it signifies a deep distress
the next step here is: LET IT OUT
break down walls and scream and shout
cry and thrash and break some things
turn up the music loud and sing
belt it till my voice goes hoarse
let this panic run it's course
write something, or paint, or run
make it match beat of my drum
the drum that pounds inside my chest
the one that tells me: I'm distressed!
I keep on searching for a cure
something to make my heart less sore
a laugh, a smile, brings respite
reminds me there's end to the night
so if I just keep pushing through
eventually, there'll be no blue
to hold me down and back me up
instead good things will fill my cup
and from within this sad cocoon
a strong, sweet soul will surely bloom.

more

I know not why some men do think
female only means the color pink.
There's nothing more to her than bows,
and for you is her choice of clothes.
Anything inside her brain,
because she's female, is insane.
Her opinions, silly, go unheard,
make her wonder, "am I absurd?"
Strength, once, power filled her heart,
now forgotten, dwindle in the dark.
Of course she knows not what she wants,
female, without man, is lost.
No recognition rots her core,
makes her forget she can do more
More
     than pretty, sweet, dear things
More 
     than shuttering her wings
More
     than soft, silent, demure
More
     than begging at your door
More
     than seeking approval
More
     than worth your betrothal
More
     than just your property
More
     which starts her heart to sing
Her symphony one day will rise,
within her chorus you'll realize:
ignoring her was a mistake,
now left behind, you're in her wake.
Her fire was easily sparked -
naturally, her light shone far.
The glow kindled her fantasies,
helped her navigate rough seas.
Mere glimpse of what there is to hold,
whetted her thirst to see the world.
Now she simply cannot stop
reaching, working, for her cause.
For once she found she was a star,
she woke up, moved on, reached for more.

Spoons

I am so unbelievably sorry
I forgot your long spoon.
What a terrible thing
For a server to do!
Among seven tables
Holding a full 32,
I just cannot believe
I forgot your damned spoon.
Between ranches and sodas,
All the things I must do.
All the napkins and silver,
And the screaming kids, too.
Several times past your table
I made eye contact with you.
At no time did you flag me,
And ask for a spoon.
When I stopped and asked,
"What else can I do?"
The frowns and raised eyebrows;
"Where is my spoon?"
"I'm so sorry, I'll get it!"
To my station I flew.
Returned in a jiffy,
"I'm so sorry, your spoon!"
Condescending frowns again,
No response from you brutes.
And then, when you cashed out,
The things left were two:
Exact change plus a penny.
You can choke on your spoon.

Fuck you.

Which Side?

There's a tug and pull from
Two different sides.
Between such opposites,
I feel deep a fright.

The feminine, the sexy,
The pure, the chaste one,
The power, the pulsing;
To which side do I run?

Do I be who I am,
Risk some kind of scorn?
Or hide my true side,
Leave it forever unknown?

At the same time I'm not just
Some pretty, sweet little thing;
A toy here to play with,
To pull 'round on a chain.

I want some connection,
To come with intimacy,
To feed into my core,
And lift up my whole being.

There must be something between
Life long and just friends.
I must find that balance,
So my life's not pretend.

Chapter Two: A Whole Life

Goodbye to childhood,
To the pain in the past.
Farewell to anyone,
Who's e'er put me in last.

Goodbye to lost love,
To a tide of regrets.
So long to anything,
That's e'er caused stress.

Hello to today,
Tomorrow, next year.
Goodbye to anything,
That's e'er made me feel fear.

Hello to progress,
To moving forward in life.
I Welcome the future,
It shines oh, so bright.

With arms open wide,
I'll continue my growth.
The whole me is ready,
I've given my oath.


Background:

I wrote this on my 24th birthday, my golden birthday.  On that day, I burned a tree that my dad planted for me in our backyard when I was born.  It had gotten sick, and was rotting, so he cut it down and saved it for me.  It had been cut down for at least a year before he gave it to me.  It took me a little while to decide what to do with it.  I could have just burned it on a camping trip.  I decided, however, to burn it on my birthday this year as a symbol of my recently realized adulthood.

I took the time before burning it to chop it into smaller pieces with an axe, so it would fit into a fireplace.  It was extremely important to me that I went through this whole process myself, letting out my anger at the trauma I experienced in my youth.  This is the first year that I feel truly whole as a person, and able to tackle life with my head held high, unhindered by the anxiety and depression I struggled to conquer for more than a decade.

So here is a poem in dedication to my "baby tree," which I burned in the company of one of the most important people in my life, on a night I've chosen to symbolize the next chapter of my life.  Here's to moving forward, growing up, and leaving behind old wounds.

Analyze Me

How dare you think you understand;
Come close to feel my words?
I hate it when you analyze,
Think you know what makes me stir.
Who made me write this ode to love?
What made me feel alone?
Even if I tried to tell,
I don't think you could learn.
But go on, try to, if you dare,
Unlock my memories.
My past is too diff'rent from yours-
My experiences make me
                                                    ME.

Do The Time

I hope one day to more than glimpse,

A moment of tingling fingertips.

A heart that beats in rhyme with mine,

A drum that shifts the sands of time.

Some chord with perfect melody,

A spirit to run free with me,

To grasp the tendrils of my flame,

To make me feel almost insane.

A force to defy common sense,

To break down any stupid fence.

That makes me want to shout with awe,

And leaves me feeling more than raw.

I want someone to do the time,

Resulting from our perfect crime.

Insecurities

Is there something wrong with me?
Is there something wrong with him?
Is there something wrong with everyone,
For whom I have a whim?

Is it possible to know,
When true love really hits?
Or do I have to wait around,
For my heart's apocalypse?

I often lay awake in wonder,
Of what will come to pass.
Eyes stay open full of worry;
Fear of having my hopes dashed.

In the end I'll be alone again,
So why try hard to fail?
It's because I see a burning light,
Piercing through my veil.

Female

She is female -
A delicate flower.
Emotional, hysterical;
Can't be stronger than you.

Nurturing, compassionate,
A mother-like creature.
Without this trait,
Her heart must be crude.

Oh, those round curves,
That full female figure;
Made just for man's hands,
Don't try to dispute.

Forgive her resistance -
Can't keep him waiting!
Whatever man wants,
Female is here to salute.

She needs protection;
Can't look after herself.
Female needs man,
To play guard on her boobs.

Female is power;
She doesn't need help.
Try to dance in her fire,
If you don't find her prude.

She is what she is,
Not what you want her to be.
How many females,
Have you viewed as lewd?

She has an opinion,
A working brain in her head.
Don't dare dismiss her,
Or try to label her "cute."

Eat your patriarchy -
Swallow it whole.
Female takes no shit;
She will not be subdued.

She is human -
Surviving unbroken.
Intelligent, rational,
Breaks chains of servitude.

Today

I wanted to be mad today,
Before I passed the door.
But I can't find a way to stay,
Pissed off anymore.

I wanted to be dark today,
Keep the sun in shroud.
Grow the balls to smack your face,
But I don't see a cloud.

I wanted to be sad today,
Cry away your memory.
But something happened that's insane:
Your face I no longer see.

I wanted to scream loud today,
Show the world you're wrong.
Show you there's a price to pay,
For doing someone harm.

I realized something strong today:
For once I think you're gone.
I can no longer see your face,
So now I can move on.

Smoke

Smoke, it curls around her lips -
Vapor dances across her fingertips.
Wispy trails caress her form,
As she begs smoke: please stay strong.
Mist curls and twists against the breeze,
Disappearing now into the trees.
And just like that, the trail is gone.
When she looks, smoke can't be found.
Soot's heat is now mere memory,
Something that cannot be seen.
Her eyes grow full with fear of loss;
Smoke is gone like a cunning fox.
She'll reach and grasp so desperately,
Praying for a glimpse of smoke on breeze.

Torrents

The rain comes in torrents;
A tale left unspoken,
Pounding with pressure,
Letting off gives release.

Wave upon wave,
Of unspoken promise;
Is it forsaken,
For a life of defeat?

A cold trail of water,
Washes the path.
The story moves forward,
Unsullied and clean.

Wet, saturated Earth
Holds no remorse.
Reflected in kind,
A tale more pristine.

Intention

Love is a human need and a heart's desire.
Hey, don't you know you stoke my fire?
I want to give you all that I have,
So we can stray from pain in the past.

All I want is for you to see -
Do you remember what you thought of me?
Way back when we fell in love...
I knew you were the hand that fit my glove.

I do not want all we have to be lost,
So let's build a bridge - we can make it across.
My hands are stretched out in your direction,
Take them or don't; show me your intention.

Glass Beads

Life is a bunch of random moments,
Strung together like glass beads.
How do you remember them?
Can you hear them sing?
Have you ever had that moment:
One falls - shatters on the ground?
How long till you recover?
Can the missing pieces all be found?
Each one's a different color
Sometimes a different shape.
Do they glitter in the sun?
How many are opaque?
Can you see right through them,
To the other side?
Or do you have to sift through sands,
Behind the doors of time?
Will they all fit in your hand,
Or overflow a dish?
When you look back at these moments,
In your soul, do you feel rich?

Shake It Off

Sometimes you just have to shake it off,
Drop everything to the floor.
Lose the world and feel again,
Let your heart be a wide open door.

Take a deep breath and spread your arms,
Kiss all your worries away.
Plant your feet and ground yourself,
Forget you were ever afraid.

Wrap yourself in a blanket of sky,
See all the good that's in store.
Lose your shields, hold your head high -
There's so much left in life to explore.

Just ask yourself, "What do I want?"
Please don't be afraid to say.
What is it that your heart desires?
Fulfill it despite any rain.

Sit Pretty

What makes you think that you're entitled,
To a piece of me?
Am I some piece of magic fruit,
You can harvest from a tree?
Whenever YOU are ready,
Yeah come on, take a grab.
Forget I'm human with life dreams,
I'll just sit pretty on your lap.

I should have known long, long ago:
All you want from me is ass.
If you wonder now why I'm so cold,
It's because you have no class.
I owe you nothing, that's for sure -
I only owe myself.
Just 'cause I'm free don't mean I'm yours.
I won't sit on someone's shelf.

What makes you think I want someone,
To hold me - drag me down?
The only thing I want is room,
To carry out my plans.
I don't need someone to hold me back,
I always want to run.
Even if you could handle that,
I wouldn't want to hold your hand.

What Do You See?

If all you see is a pretty girl,
Walk the fuck away.
If you don't want to see my world,
Just get out of my face.
There's so much more to me than beauty!
There's a part of me that burns.
Deep inside I want for plenty -
Always something for which I yearn.
My arms are always stretched out wide,
To take in more and more.
So many things that make me smile,
And warm me to my core.
I'd never give up how I feel,
Although sometimes it hurts.
There is always time to heal -
Pain only comes in spurts.
I crave the bite of the fire,
Far more than the cold of the dark.
The flame takes me higher and higher,
And strengthens all my scars.
If the sting of the coals excites you,
Come on, take my hand.
I love a challenge, that's the truth -
Let me show you my land.