the sun

the rays of the sun are

more intimate

give me more

love

than you

golden rays are 

safer

warmer

make me feel better

have more effort

more energy

more passion

more intensity

more expression...

than you.

the sun wants to touch me

wants to hold me

to lift me

kiss me

light my way

the sun does not try

it just does

I do not have to ask

I do not have to pry

or prod

or poke

or fight for its glance

the sun will always be there

I know that for sure

of your presence in my future

however

I've not been assured.

greener

the grass is always greener
is the story of my life
I swear there's nothing truly
that will make me satisfied
something's always broken
nothing's never gained
and once I get down to it
I'm sure I'm just afraid -
afraid of what? commitment?
afraid of what? the truth?
or maybe I'm just searching
for something worth to lose -
or something whose attention
I do not have to fight
something whose affections
bring me to the light
the grass is always greener
maybe that's reality
should I shift and settle
or hold out until I'm free?

the cycle

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU
those words are ringing, loud and true
they hollow out my soul of rot
leave me feeling lost, forgot
they wind me up inside my head
fill my mind with thoughts of dread
and there I go, reeling again
just when I thought I'd stopped my spin
of chaos which will never cease
it seems to pull me down with ease
each time a high comes, lifts me up
I get buried, covered, left to rust
and so I'm crumbled, and it seems
that there is no escape from these
endless cycles; ups and downs
I'm fighting constantly for ground
so every time I reach my high
I'm left to foresee my next good-bye.

insignificant

there's this bump in the road I cannot cross
I'm reaching for you, but feel you're lost
my heart is breaking, silently
as I try to calm down, try to breathe
I want you here, right by my side
can I tell you how hard I've tried
to pull you back into my spin
to lift you up when you've no grin
I want to touch you constantly
but only fall down to my knees
alone, without you, isolated
I focus on myself instead
because you cannot meet me there
all I see's your hollow stare
I feel so insignificant
beneath all the searing tears I've wept
while waiting here I hope to see
one day, will you come back to me?
but how long, lover, should I wait
while my heart crumbles and breaks,
holding on so desperately
hoping that you still want me.

back into the cave

I feel like I'm done trying
I just keep being ignored
It's obvious my feelings aren't
important at the core
I feel alone, so lost, unloved
forgotten, abandoned, left to rust
and how could when you said you love me
throw me out like rotten meat
at least give me an explanation
instead of hollow empty words
I barely hear a thing from you
so what the fuck am I supposed to do?
all I want's to scream at you
to elicit some response
but maybe saying nothing
is the only way to voice
that really I am wounded
and I can barely muster strength to speak
a whisper I can't fathom
my roar would be a squeak
I'm broken down, defeated
the heart must call retreat
so back into the cave I go
where I will fester on my own.

peace?

the clenching of my teeth has
made a pressure in my skull and
the endless time spent worrying of
things I cannot comprehend
has put a cold rock in my ribs
the heaviness, it weighs on me and
permeates my soul
it makes me feel like vomiting
my actions aren't controlled
my brain tingles and screams at me
my fingers are but heavy meat
I'm sure my face is red with woe
because paranoia plagues me so I
spin on downwards endlessly
the torrent battering my eyes
howling wind sucks out my breath
so no longer can I scream
my words, it's certain, are not heard
by anyone but me
and it's absolutely certain that
my heart just will not mend from this
so what to do but take steps back
escape from this unending trap
which only rubs and makes me raw and
makes me feel unsafe, alone
perhaps my head will just explode -
maybe then my peace will come.

doors, time, and distance

A white
                ghost
hangs
at the end of my bed
keeps reminding me of
things left
                unsaid
the satin,
                wrinkled
winks at me
at times brings back
fond
                memories
those times we looked
up at the stars
those days we thought
the world was
                ours
certain we were of
our uncertain fates
were so damn
                blind
to unworkable traits
the factors that
one day would lead
us to realize
we could not
                be
some things cannot
be overcome
cannot disappear with
soap and tongues
no measure could
try to
                repair
sometimes I wonder:
was there anything there?
of course there was
I know for sure
                it's just
time and distance
                closed

                our

                door

steel

3/10/15

"Love doesn't exist," she said,
heart shrouded, and stained.
He looked into her eyes, asked,
"Why are you afraid?"
No answer from her lips;
she's frozen, can't stand.
Strings move her toward something,
knows not what's in hand.
Drowning in memories
that seem best left forgot,
sometimes she wishes
she could jump off the dock.
She fumbles and bumbles,
doesn't know why she strives.
Her heart keeps on bleeding
welling up deep inside.
Will someone come fix her?
Drag her toward the shore?
It's certain she'll have to
let the tide clean her sores.
He's standing right there
screaming out, "Help is here!"
But she's deaf to his efforts;
she's too riddled with fear.
There are some things that
time cannot begin to heal;
the damage, the suffering
cover her heart in thick steel.
Only time can begin
to even think to erase,
to close up those old wounds,
restore heart with grace.

Old Strings

I feel it fluttering deep inside -
Whatever it is just seems to hide.
There is no glimmer in your eyes;
I wonder if they'd even cry.

I cannot read you, cannot see,
Inside your deep, dark mystery.
I feel a move could make you flee!
Why risk the possibility?

Why is it that you drown in fear,
Of keeping any person near?
Have you even leaked a tear,
To mourn the one you've missed for years?

There's nothing I can do for you.
You must be the one to seek the truth,
To find old strings you must set loose,
And then forward, you can move.

Burn Me

Burn me, turn me into dust
Obliterate that which made us us
Crush the pieces, leave no hint
Of good things that were found within
Why does the end just have to be
Denial of any sweet memory
As if no fallen piece prevails
Against the wall that made us fail
In retrospect there was no bad
That should leave us feeling more than sad
At losing what just could not be
Can't we at least keep fond memories?

Do The Time

I hope one day to more than glimpse,

A moment of tingling fingertips.

A heart that beats in rhyme with mine,

A drum that shifts the sands of time.

Some chord with perfect melody,

A spirit to run free with me,

To grasp the tendrils of my flame,

To make me feel almost insane.

A force to defy common sense,

To break down any stupid fence.

That makes me want to shout with awe,

And leaves me feeling more than raw.

I want someone to do the time,

Resulting from our perfect crime.

Insecurities

Is there something wrong with me?
Is there something wrong with him?
Is there something wrong with everyone,
For whom I have a whim?

Is it possible to know,
When true love really hits?
Or do I have to wait around,
For my heart's apocalypse?

I often lay awake in wonder,
Of what will come to pass.
Eyes stay open full of worry;
Fear of having my hopes dashed.

In the end I'll be alone again,
So why try hard to fail?
It's because I see a burning light,
Piercing through my veil.

Smoke

Smoke, it curls around her lips -
Vapor dances across her fingertips.
Wispy trails caress her form,
As she begs smoke: please stay strong.
Mist curls and twists against the breeze,
Disappearing now into the trees.
And just like that, the trail is gone.
When she looks, smoke can't be found.
Soot's heat is now mere memory,
Something that cannot be seen.
Her eyes grow full with fear of loss;
Smoke is gone like a cunning fox.
She'll reach and grasp so desperately,
Praying for a glimpse of smoke on breeze.

Edge of a Cliff

I'm on the edge of a cliff waiting for you,
To make up your mind - please tell me the truth.
Either let me fall or pull me in.
One way or another, I will begin.
With or without you, I will move on.
I want to do it together and make us strong.
If I must fall to the bottom and pick myself up,
I'm sure I can do it - my heart is tough.
I know it takes time to fall back in love,
And move past all of this horrible stuff.
But I'm fighting for balance while I wait to see,
If under the pain your heart still loves me.
Please push me off, man, or pull me back in,
So my heart can start moving forward again.

Scar Tissue

I am so scared of the distance between us,
I have lost so much of you already.
I'm trying so hard to show you my patience,
I know you can't love til your heart is steady.

All the damage I've done is stuck in my brain,
So many regrets for things done and said.
I want so badly to move past this pain,
But I feel like we're stuck in limbo instead.

I know we can heal this together - I'm sure!
Scar tissue is thicker and tougher than skin.
Please, sir, there's so much I want to explore.
Our hearts can start beating together again.

The Silence of Us

I was inspired by the silence of us.
The simplicity - so little can hold so much.
That moment you held me in your arms,
I was bullet proof - the world could do no harm.
In that quiet I released so much tension.
It had all built up through repression.
We never confronted, together, all of our fears.
They separated us like a line of spears.
Let's pull these spears out of the ground,
Open our eyes and look around.
What can we do to escape this desert?
Save our love - the ultimate treasure.

Poisoned Darts

It's so fucking hard to look at you -
There are so many things I miss.
There's something about the things you do.
I just want to kiss your lips.
I'm afraid that if I do that, though,
I'll break your heart again.

Why did you have to hug me?
Why did you have to stop?
I wish you would have kissed me.
I wish we could have fucked.
Sometimes I see you in my dreams -
Sometimes I feel so lost.

I hate myself when you cry,
Wish I could fix this mess.
Wish I could have you at my side,
It's too much to confess.
But you deserve the best in life...
I don't have that to invest.

You say we'll see each other soon -
I want that, oh, so bad.
But I'm afraid if I see you,
I'll want to take you to my bed,
Fly away together to the moon -
Can we stop being so sad?

I know it's a lot to ask,
But I want you by my side.
Wish we could have each other's back,
Have fun on this ride called life.
I'm so sorry we can't have that,
All we'd do is hurt our pride.

I'm sorry that I hurt you,
It's the last thing that I want.
I really hate to see you blue,
With dust that's on your heart.
I love you, it's the scary truth,
It's why we must stay apart.

All I do is cause you pain,
I know this sounds so harsh,
But all we'll do is wreck this train,
If we touch each other's hearts.
That's why forever we'll abstain,
From throwing poisoned darts.

Without You

I'm sitting on this porch
     Without you.
I'm watching the orange
     Take over the blue.
Before long it will be too late
     No escape.
There's no surrender now
     Forget it.
Then it was now or never
     Gone like a feather.
I've tasted the freedom now
     Can't you see?
The only thing I need
     Is me.
I've got my own back
     Without you.
I'm letting the happy
     Take over the blue.

Before

She runs till she can run no more,
Arms wide to take life in.
She sees what she did not before -
Some things just cannot break her skin.

She'll raise her eyes up to the sky,
Forget all of this pain.
Open her soul and fly up high -
She knows she will find love again.

She can't see what the future holds,
But fear she does not feel.
She laughs at lies that she's been told -
Emotion makes her strong as steel.

Her heart is strong deep in its core,
Right now its walls are weak.
She sees what she did not before -
For strength, all she must do is speak.

Another.

More words exploding out of me.  I'm loving this. :)


I tried so hard to make you see.
Why couldn't you have thought of me?
We used to laugh and smile, but then,
I got buried in the sand.
Remember how it was back when,
We used to laugh and smile, but then,
We drifted apart like weeds in the sea.
Why can't you just remember me?
I lost you, lost you, long ago,
Buried down under the snow.
Asleep like bears in hibernation,
Will you come back and take your place and,
We can dance away again.
Forget this awful, lonesome trend.
Pull me into you arms, and then,
Show me you think of me please, man.