the sun

the rays of the sun are

more intimate

give me more

love

than you

golden rays are 

safer

warmer

make me feel better

have more effort

more energy

more passion

more intensity

more expression...

than you.

the sun wants to touch me

wants to hold me

to lift me

kiss me

light my way

the sun does not try

it just does

I do not have to ask

I do not have to pry

or prod

or poke

or fight for its glance

the sun will always be there

I know that for sure

of your presence in my future

however

I've not been assured.

greener

the grass is always greener
is the story of my life
I swear there's nothing truly
that will make me satisfied
something's always broken
nothing's never gained
and once I get down to it
I'm sure I'm just afraid -
afraid of what? commitment?
afraid of what? the truth?
or maybe I'm just searching
for something worth to lose -
or something whose attention
I do not have to fight
something whose affections
bring me to the light
the grass is always greener
maybe that's reality
should I shift and settle
or hold out until I'm free?

the cycle

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU
those words are ringing, loud and true
they hollow out my soul of rot
leave me feeling lost, forgot
they wind me up inside my head
fill my mind with thoughts of dread
and there I go, reeling again
just when I thought I'd stopped my spin
of chaos which will never cease
it seems to pull me down with ease
each time a high comes, lifts me up
I get buried, covered, left to rust
and so I'm crumbled, and it seems
that there is no escape from these
endless cycles; ups and downs
I'm fighting constantly for ground
so every time I reach my high
I'm left to foresee my next good-bye.

insignificant

there's this bump in the road I cannot cross
I'm reaching for you, but feel you're lost
my heart is breaking, silently
as I try to calm down, try to breathe
I want you here, right by my side
can I tell you how hard I've tried
to pull you back into my spin
to lift you up when you've no grin
I want to touch you constantly
but only fall down to my knees
alone, without you, isolated
I focus on myself instead
because you cannot meet me there
all I see's your hollow stare
I feel so insignificant
beneath all the searing tears I've wept
while waiting here I hope to see
one day, will you come back to me?
but how long, lover, should I wait
while my heart crumbles and breaks,
holding on so desperately
hoping that you still want me.

lingerer

I hate you 'cause I love you
and I know you love me, too.
I love the way your eyes shine
that deep, inviting blue.
It pulls me in, so haunting -
grasping, pawing at my soul,
daring me to chase you,
to leap through a solid wall.
The bricks are daunting to me,
keeping me held back.
There's something in your manner
suggesting you'd feel trapped.
No matter what my heart says,
I'm scared to show my hand.
My instinct says you're flawless -
my head knows you are fanged.
There's danger in your waters;
the faintest ripple of a shark.
It's keeping me from trying
to see what's within your heart.
Some day, I hope, I'll find you,
a beacon blaring bright.
But if I don't, I'm sure that
you'll still linger in my mind.

back into the cave

I feel like I'm done trying
I just keep being ignored
It's obvious my feelings aren't
important at the core
I feel alone, so lost, unloved
forgotten, abandoned, left to rust
and how could when you said you love me
throw me out like rotten meat
at least give me an explanation
instead of hollow empty words
I barely hear a thing from you
so what the fuck am I supposed to do?
all I want's to scream at you
to elicit some response
but maybe saying nothing
is the only way to voice
that really I am wounded
and I can barely muster strength to speak
a whisper I can't fathom
my roar would be a squeak
I'm broken down, defeated
the heart must call retreat
so back into the cave I go
where I will fester on my own.

peace?

the clenching of my teeth has
made a pressure in my skull and
the endless time spent worrying of
things I cannot comprehend
has put a cold rock in my ribs
the heaviness, it weighs on me and
permeates my soul
it makes me feel like vomiting
my actions aren't controlled
my brain tingles and screams at me
my fingers are but heavy meat
I'm sure my face is red with woe
because paranoia plagues me so I
spin on downwards endlessly
the torrent battering my eyes
howling wind sucks out my breath
so no longer can I scream
my words, it's certain, are not heard
by anyone but me
and it's absolutely certain that
my heart just will not mend from this
so what to do but take steps back
escape from this unending trap
which only rubs and makes me raw and
makes me feel unsafe, alone
perhaps my head will just explode -
maybe then my peace will come.

meteor storms

When I look down at your face I
get this sense of loneliness
eyes are closed, breathing paced
right beside me with such distance, you
lay beside me, touch me, warm
but I can't feel your energy
and in my eyes there is a storm
held back only with a bravery, which
threatens to erase, incinerate
anything that dares come near
this tempest comes and goes in waves
bursting, thirsting, full of fear, but
as I look on through the gale
a trailing glimmer lights the sky
the squall is now so strongly paled
by memories of hearts on high, and
though a scar has been undug
I know your hands, their healing touch;
tenderly the ache is calmed
as I remember: we are us, who
couldn't help but fall in love
when climbing, conquering our mountains
we have touched the stars above
as they connected Earth to Heaven.

distressed

I feel weak, I feel strung out
can barely muster strength to shout
although that's what I want to do
it won't fix this case of blues
pull the pieces back together
shove them, stick them, make them better
eat some chocolate, drink some wine
the pain will ease with pass of time
my heart aches deep inside my chest
it signifies a deep distress
the next step here is: LET IT OUT
break down walls and scream and shout
cry and thrash and break some things
turn up the music loud and sing
belt it till my voice goes hoarse
let this panic run it's course
write something, or paint, or run
make it match beat of my drum
the drum that pounds inside my chest
the one that tells me: I'm distressed!
I keep on searching for a cure
something to make my heart less sore
a laugh, a smile, brings respite
reminds me there's end to the night
so if I just keep pushing through
eventually, there'll be no blue
to hold me down and back me up
instead good things will fill my cup
and from within this sad cocoon
a strong, sweet soul will surely bloom.

doors, time, and distance

A white
                ghost
hangs
at the end of my bed
keeps reminding me of
things left
                unsaid
the satin,
                wrinkled
winks at me
at times brings back
fond
                memories
those times we looked
up at the stars
those days we thought
the world was
                ours
certain we were of
our uncertain fates
were so damn
                blind
to unworkable traits
the factors that
one day would lead
us to realize
we could not
                be
some things cannot
be overcome
cannot disappear with
soap and tongues
no measure could
try to
                repair
sometimes I wonder:
was there anything there?
of course there was
I know for sure
                it's just
time and distance
                closed

                our

                door

steel

3/10/15

"Love doesn't exist," she said,
heart shrouded, and stained.
He looked into her eyes, asked,
"Why are you afraid?"
No answer from her lips;
she's frozen, can't stand.
Strings move her toward something,
knows not what's in hand.
Drowning in memories
that seem best left forgot,
sometimes she wishes
she could jump off the dock.
She fumbles and bumbles,
doesn't know why she strives.
Her heart keeps on bleeding
welling up deep inside.
Will someone come fix her?
Drag her toward the shore?
It's certain she'll have to
let the tide clean her sores.
He's standing right there
screaming out, "Help is here!"
But she's deaf to his efforts;
she's too riddled with fear.
There are some things that
time cannot begin to heal;
the damage, the suffering
cover her heart in thick steel.
Only time can begin
to even think to erase,
to close up those old wounds,
restore heart with grace.

Burn Me

Burn me, turn me into dust
Obliterate that which made us us
Crush the pieces, leave no hint
Of good things that were found within
Why does the end just have to be
Denial of any sweet memory
As if no fallen piece prevails
Against the wall that made us fail
In retrospect there was no bad
That should leave us feeling more than sad
At losing what just could not be
Can't we at least keep fond memories?

Enigmatic

You are somewhat enigmatic,
And I'm curious to know:
What is there inside of you?
Why do you hide your glow?

I think I'd like to find out,
Who you really are.
There's wonder hidden underneath -
I sense it from your heart.

And if I meet something too real,
Will I feel exposed?
What will I do if I find hell,
Behind the doors now closed?

If I reach out and take your hand,
And all it brings is pain,
Will I survive that wrath again?
You see why I'm afraid?

Despite all of my worries,
There's a part of me that stirs.
I dare to say it's worth the risk,
In quest for some thing more.

I don't want to fear for feel of love,
So try I will to seek the flame.
To reach through someone else's soul,
Is an act that holds no shame.

Do The Time

I hope one day to more than glimpse,

A moment of tingling fingertips.

A heart that beats in rhyme with mine,

A drum that shifts the sands of time.

Some chord with perfect melody,

A spirit to run free with me,

To grasp the tendrils of my flame,

To make me feel almost insane.

A force to defy common sense,

To break down any stupid fence.

That makes me want to shout with awe,

And leaves me feeling more than raw.

I want someone to do the time,

Resulting from our perfect crime.

Insecurities

Is there something wrong with me?
Is there something wrong with him?
Is there something wrong with everyone,
For whom I have a whim?

Is it possible to know,
When true love really hits?
Or do I have to wait around,
For my heart's apocalypse?

I often lay awake in wonder,
Of what will come to pass.
Eyes stay open full of worry;
Fear of having my hopes dashed.

In the end I'll be alone again,
So why try hard to fail?
It's because I see a burning light,
Piercing through my veil.

Today

I wanted to be mad today,
Before I passed the door.
But I can't find a way to stay,
Pissed off anymore.

I wanted to be dark today,
Keep the sun in shroud.
Grow the balls to smack your face,
But I don't see a cloud.

I wanted to be sad today,
Cry away your memory.
But something happened that's insane:
Your face I no longer see.

I wanted to scream loud today,
Show the world you're wrong.
Show you there's a price to pay,
For doing someone harm.

I realized something strong today:
For once I think you're gone.
I can no longer see your face,
So now I can move on.

Smoke

Smoke, it curls around her lips -
Vapor dances across her fingertips.
Wispy trails caress her form,
As she begs smoke: please stay strong.
Mist curls and twists against the breeze,
Disappearing now into the trees.
And just like that, the trail is gone.
When she looks, smoke can't be found.
Soot's heat is now mere memory,
Something that cannot be seen.
Her eyes grow full with fear of loss;
Smoke is gone like a cunning fox.
She'll reach and grasp so desperately,
Praying for a glimpse of smoke on breeze.

Edge of a Cliff

I'm on the edge of a cliff waiting for you,
To make up your mind - please tell me the truth.
Either let me fall or pull me in.
One way or another, I will begin.
With or without you, I will move on.
I want to do it together and make us strong.
If I must fall to the bottom and pick myself up,
I'm sure I can do it - my heart is tough.
I know it takes time to fall back in love,
And move past all of this horrible stuff.
But I'm fighting for balance while I wait to see,
If under the pain your heart still loves me.
Please push me off, man, or pull me back in,
So my heart can start moving forward again.

Intention

Love is a human need and a heart's desire.
Hey, don't you know you stoke my fire?
I want to give you all that I have,
So we can stray from pain in the past.

All I want is for you to see -
Do you remember what you thought of me?
Way back when we fell in love...
I knew you were the hand that fit my glove.

I do not want all we have to be lost,
So let's build a bridge - we can make it across.
My hands are stretched out in your direction,
Take them or don't; show me your intention.

Scar Tissue

I am so scared of the distance between us,
I have lost so much of you already.
I'm trying so hard to show you my patience,
I know you can't love til your heart is steady.

All the damage I've done is stuck in my brain,
So many regrets for things done and said.
I want so badly to move past this pain,
But I feel like we're stuck in limbo instead.

I know we can heal this together - I'm sure!
Scar tissue is thicker and tougher than skin.
Please, sir, there's so much I want to explore.
Our hearts can start beating together again.