Me;Inspired.

Eyes won’t close to let me sleep;

beating, quaking, it’s bone deep –

Although my body’s weary, tired,

finally, I feel inspired:

For once within the last six months,

words drift, soft, right off my tongue.

Somehow, there’s this motivation -

suddenly I feel my place and,

reminders, bright, they grace my skin,

they tell me, here, begin again.

At my right side they hearken, near:

"Lift your chin up please, my dear!"

Women tied to my bloodstream

stand so strong, help me sing.

So to the left there’s family,

who lift me up and fill my wings,

remind me I can tame the beast,

reach out with love, encouraging,

who see there down on my right leg:

An image of a girl who played,

who, come the sunshine or the dark

always offered up her heart,

and grew into the woman, left,

whose fiery spirit laughed, and wept and

always carved out her own trail,

no matter if she’d win or fail.

So eyes, now open, to the past,

I feel existence on my back,

and though, some days, it feels heavy,

I will not hesitate to see

a universe full of wondrous things

connected to this earth by tree,

and not afraid, though sometimes lost,

I’ll wander, free, and fight with cause.

catch me

falling, drifting, tumbling down,

twirling round and round and round

inside my head I cannot see

the true meaning of anything.

I reach out for some hold to grasp

even if it means I'll crash -

but suddenly I find I've stopped

comfortably; I will not drop.

around I look and touch; distressed

I realize I'm within my nest -

my chest is full of breath again!

my head's no longer filled with sand

so when my lids, I open, pry,

I see your eyes, the bluest sky

which lift me, calm me, wrap me up,

remind me there's a thing called trust.

the hollow terror in my heart

is filled now with a warmth, a spark,

a cleansing flood; intimacy

tucks me away deep in its folds

safe away now from the cold,

and now I'm certain; now I know:

you always catch me when I fall.

lingerer

I hate you 'cause I love you
and I know you love me, too.
I love the way your eyes shine
that deep, inviting blue.
It pulls me in, so haunting -
grasping, pawing at my soul,
daring me to chase you,
to leap through a solid wall.
The bricks are daunting to me,
keeping me held back.
There's something in your manner
suggesting you'd feel trapped.
No matter what my heart says,
I'm scared to show my hand.
My instinct says you're flawless -
my head knows you are fanged.
There's danger in your waters;
the faintest ripple of a shark.
It's keeping me from trying
to see what's within your heart.
Some day, I hope, I'll find you,
a beacon blaring bright.
But if I don't, I'm sure that
you'll still linger in my mind.

peace?

the clenching of my teeth has
made a pressure in my skull and
the endless time spent worrying of
things I cannot comprehend
has put a cold rock in my ribs
the heaviness, it weighs on me and
permeates my soul
it makes me feel like vomiting
my actions aren't controlled
my brain tingles and screams at me
my fingers are but heavy meat
I'm sure my face is red with woe
because paranoia plagues me so I
spin on downwards endlessly
the torrent battering my eyes
howling wind sucks out my breath
so no longer can I scream
my words, it's certain, are not heard
by anyone but me
and it's absolutely certain that
my heart just will not mend from this
so what to do but take steps back
escape from this unending trap
which only rubs and makes me raw and
makes me feel unsafe, alone
perhaps my head will just explode -
maybe then my peace will come.

meteor storms

When I look down at your face I
get this sense of loneliness
eyes are closed, breathing paced
right beside me with such distance, you
lay beside me, touch me, warm
but I can't feel your energy
and in my eyes there is a storm
held back only with a bravery, which
threatens to erase, incinerate
anything that dares come near
this tempest comes and goes in waves
bursting, thirsting, full of fear, but
as I look on through the gale
a trailing glimmer lights the sky
the squall is now so strongly paled
by memories of hearts on high, and
though a scar has been undug
I know your hands, their healing touch;
tenderly the ache is calmed
as I remember: we are us, who
couldn't help but fall in love
when climbing, conquering our mountains
we have touched the stars above
as they connected Earth to Heaven.

another day

Something I've discovered,
is that life will be okay.
No matter what the circumstance,
there'll come another day.
A day to tackle mountains,
to see the whole world shine
A day to conquer oceans,
and to wash away the brine.
The stars will shine forever,
a new world always turns.
The sun peeks up at morning,
waves, by the moon, are stirred.
There will be beginning,
each time there comes an end.
Flowers, each spring, blossom,
after winter's frosty hand.
Life is full of learning,
and of mistakes to be made.
But all these things are worth it -
open minds, they relish change.

doors, time, and distance

A white
                ghost
hangs
at the end of my bed
keeps reminding me of
things left
                unsaid
the satin,
                wrinkled
winks at me
at times brings back
fond
                memories
those times we looked
up at the stars
those days we thought
the world was
                ours
certain we were of
our uncertain fates
were so damn
                blind
to unworkable traits
the factors that
one day would lead
us to realize
we could not
                be
some things cannot
be overcome
cannot disappear with
soap and tongues
no measure could
try to
                repair
sometimes I wonder:
was there anything there?
of course there was
I know for sure
                it's just
time and distance
                closed

                our

                door

something profound

SOMETHING causes me to feel this way:
I think you've got strong things to say.
Why don't those words just leave your lips?
Please spit it out, I'll man my ship.
There must be something on your mind.
Why is it that I feel so blind?
Blind to your thoughts, your feels, your wants...
Just say something, I need response!
Maybe out of fear I look too deep -
I try too hard to find something.
Something that will make me sting,
will make me want to break my stuff,
make me feel I am enough,
enough for you to stick around,
for you to want to make a sound.
I cannot be the only one,
to step up, openly confront,
the feelings that I have toward this,
this never-ending deep abyss.
A rock must in time stop it's fall.
At this thought, I feel appalled.
Can I accept good energy?
Why can't I realize my old dreams?
Something inside holds me back.
It wraps me tight, keeps me entrapped.
Why must "trap" even be a part,
Of anything inside my heart?
It cannot, should not, will not be!
I must let this go with certainty,
Or capture it and break it down,
Rip it up and stomp around.
Pull it open, dig it out,
distill it down to end this drought,
before I ruin what's been found;
lose something I hold profound.

Submersion

Submerge yourself, immerse yourself.
Cut out all the noise.
Extract yourself, distract yourself.
Forget your tiny size.
Take a deep breath, breathe again.
Feel your heart beat in your chest.
Touch the ground beneath your feet.
Close your eyes and take this test.
Focus - deep down, bring it out.
Grasp it, pull it, tear it up.
What has brought you to this point?
What is there yet to come?
Look to the deep inside yourself.
Do not let you run from this.
Something's in there, something dark.
It grows beneath the surface.
What is it, this murky beast?
This thing defies attention.
It is gross and wrong and foul.
This will take more than reflection.
A war is coming, battling fear.
Prepare abundantly.
The psyche will take mighty blows.
Strikes to the ego there will ring.
Blood upon this shall be spilled.
Loss will come, intense.
There's only one thing left to do:
Let down all defense.

steel

3/10/15

"Love doesn't exist," she said,
heart shrouded, and stained.
He looked into her eyes, asked,
"Why are you afraid?"
No answer from her lips;
she's frozen, can't stand.
Strings move her toward something,
knows not what's in hand.
Drowning in memories
that seem best left forgot,
sometimes she wishes
she could jump off the dock.
She fumbles and bumbles,
doesn't know why she strives.
Her heart keeps on bleeding
welling up deep inside.
Will someone come fix her?
Drag her toward the shore?
It's certain she'll have to
let the tide clean her sores.
He's standing right there
screaming out, "Help is here!"
But she's deaf to his efforts;
she's too riddled with fear.
There are some things that
time cannot begin to heal;
the damage, the suffering
cover her heart in thick steel.
Only time can begin
to even think to erase,
to close up those old wounds,
restore heart with grace.

I know, I know I know.

Lately I feel this sense of loss;
I question by what it has been caused.

A strange emptiness is in my chest,
it leaves me feeling lost, and stressed.
Those I know, I know I know,
seem lost within some undertow.

This sense of distance pervades my sight,
leaves me feeling confused and blind.
I know, I know I know their face,
for I can smell them, I can taste.

Some hollow feeling fills me through,
and leaves my heart rusty and blue.
I know, I know I know their heart,
upon my soul it should be scarred.

But something keeps me from reaching out,
from knowing exactly whom I am without.

Which Side?

There's a tug and pull from
Two different sides.
Between such opposites,
I feel deep a fright.

The feminine, the sexy,
The pure, the chaste one,
The power, the pulsing;
To which side do I run?

Do I be who I am,
Risk some kind of scorn?
Or hide my true side,
Leave it forever unknown?

At the same time I'm not just
Some pretty, sweet little thing;
A toy here to play with,
To pull 'round on a chain.

I want some connection,
To come with intimacy,
To feed into my core,
And lift up my whole being.

There must be something between
Life long and just friends.
I must find that balance,
So my life's not pretend.

The Only Thing

Tumbling, falling, crashing down
The only thing that's left's to drown
Gasping, choking, losing breath
Yearning for something less intense
A deep and dark and deadly sea
Filled with dangers unforseen
Clawing, grasping, reaching out
This feeling can be done without
Crushing pressure, breaking bones
Losing track of what's unknown
Blind and lost, full of despair
Struggle to leave the demon's lair
Slicing, ripping, tearing skin
Tries to reach the heart within
Burning, searing, blistering, scorched
Breaks the soul with so much force
Body's frozen, cannot move
The only thing that's left's to lose.

Fairy Tales

I want to be appreciated for
Things I appreciate about myself.
Please don't contradict me
Or try to stow me on a shelf.
I want those who see within me
To see what I see within myself.
If I'm stronger than you think I am
You're missing something else.
I want a gentle lover 'cause
I am so gentle with myself.
Someone who understands my heart

And leaves nothing left withheld.

I want a heart that burns white hot

Dances fire and fire with myself.

An ember blazing in the dark

That just will not be dispelled.

I want soft lips to match the way

Soft words echo from myself.

Words so deep and true and honest

Any doubts are chased with stealth.

But most of all I want someone to realize

The dreams I have for my future self.

To grasp my hand and run through time

Chase those stories, grasp those fairy tales.

Fortune

Waiting for something,
to jump out at me.
Break open the shadows -
set passion free.

Why isn't it coming?
I swear it's right there.
I can sense a bright light;
it's blinding my fear.

I feel it coming,
on the tip of my tongue.
Something is brewing:
the most beautiful song.

With patience I'm sure
my heart will not stop.
Knowing fortune, then something
will land in my lap.

Enigmatic

You are somewhat enigmatic,
And I'm curious to know:
What is there inside of you?
Why do you hide your glow?

I think I'd like to find out,
Who you really are.
There's wonder hidden underneath -
I sense it from your heart.

And if I meet something too real,
Will I feel exposed?
What will I do if I find hell,
Behind the doors now closed?

If I reach out and take your hand,
And all it brings is pain,
Will I survive that wrath again?
You see why I'm afraid?

Despite all of my worries,
There's a part of me that stirs.
I dare to say it's worth the risk,
In quest for some thing more.

I don't want to fear for feel of love,
So try I will to seek the flame.
To reach through someone else's soul,
Is an act that holds no shame.

Something Beautiful

Something beautiful
My way did walk.
A figure so graceful,
My heart beat did stop.

Warm summer sunshine
Danced in the air -
A shimmer, a glimmer,
Of something so rare.

A hand that stretched out
For eternity,
Trying to reach;
To set the soul free.

Something beautiful,
It shivers, it sparks,
It glistens, it trembles,
It instigates art.

The glow of the stars
Will pale when compared
To anything given;
A happiness shared.

Frozen Brain

Sometimes the worst days
turn into the best.
Wake up, heart's stopped,
feeling depressed.

Minutes drag on,
leaving a trail.
Making forseen
the next time you fail.

You don't think
the worst thing
can happen -
It does.

Guard is dropped
frozen brain
reaching for stuff.

Someone steps in,
makes a diff'rence,
does something kind,
something Significant.

Earth resumes rotate,
breathing begins.
Movement is steady,
heart beats again.

Today is saved.
The sun shines again.
World's not all bad,
out there are Friends.

Chapter Two: A Whole Life

Goodbye to childhood,
To the pain in the past.
Farewell to anyone,
Who's e'er put me in last.

Goodbye to lost love,
To a tide of regrets.
So long to anything,
That's e'er caused stress.

Hello to today,
Tomorrow, next year.
Goodbye to anything,
That's e'er made me feel fear.

Hello to progress,
To moving forward in life.
I Welcome the future,
It shines oh, so bright.

With arms open wide,
I'll continue my growth.
The whole me is ready,
I've given my oath.


Background:

I wrote this on my 24th birthday, my golden birthday.  On that day, I burned a tree that my dad planted for me in our backyard when I was born.  It had gotten sick, and was rotting, so he cut it down and saved it for me.  It had been cut down for at least a year before he gave it to me.  It took me a little while to decide what to do with it.  I could have just burned it on a camping trip.  I decided, however, to burn it on my birthday this year as a symbol of my recently realized adulthood.

I took the time before burning it to chop it into smaller pieces with an axe, so it would fit into a fireplace.  It was extremely important to me that I went through this whole process myself, letting out my anger at the trauma I experienced in my youth.  This is the first year that I feel truly whole as a person, and able to tackle life with my head held high, unhindered by the anxiety and depression I struggled to conquer for more than a decade.

So here is a poem in dedication to my "baby tree," which I burned in the company of one of the most important people in my life, on a night I've chosen to symbolize the next chapter of my life.  Here's to moving forward, growing up, and leaving behind old wounds.

Analyze Me

How dare you think you understand;
Come close to feel my words?
I hate it when you analyze,
Think you know what makes me stir.
Who made me write this ode to love?
What made me feel alone?
Even if I tried to tell,
I don't think you could learn.
But go on, try to, if you dare,
Unlock my memories.
My past is too diff'rent from yours-
My experiences make me
                                                    ME.