greener

the grass is always greener
is the story of my life
I swear there's nothing truly
that will make me satisfied
something's always broken
nothing's never gained
and once I get down to it
I'm sure I'm just afraid -
afraid of what? commitment?
afraid of what? the truth?
or maybe I'm just searching
for something worth to lose -
or something whose attention
I do not have to fight
something whose affections
bring me to the light
the grass is always greener
maybe that's reality
should I shift and settle
or hold out until I'm free?

the cycle

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU
those words are ringing, loud and true
they hollow out my soul of rot
leave me feeling lost, forgot
they wind me up inside my head
fill my mind with thoughts of dread
and there I go, reeling again
just when I thought I'd stopped my spin
of chaos which will never cease
it seems to pull me down with ease
each time a high comes, lifts me up
I get buried, covered, left to rust
and so I'm crumbled, and it seems
that there is no escape from these
endless cycles; ups and downs
I'm fighting constantly for ground
so every time I reach my high
I'm left to foresee my next good-bye.

catch me

falling, drifting, tumbling down,

twirling round and round and round

inside my head I cannot see

the true meaning of anything.

I reach out for some hold to grasp

even if it means I'll crash -

but suddenly I find I've stopped

comfortably; I will not drop.

around I look and touch; distressed

I realize I'm within my nest -

my chest is full of breath again!

my head's no longer filled with sand

so when my lids, I open, pry,

I see your eyes, the bluest sky

which lift me, calm me, wrap me up,

remind me there's a thing called trust.

the hollow terror in my heart

is filled now with a warmth, a spark,

a cleansing flood; intimacy

tucks me away deep in its folds

safe away now from the cold,

and now I'm certain; now I know:

you always catch me when I fall.

peace?

the clenching of my teeth has
made a pressure in my skull and
the endless time spent worrying of
things I cannot comprehend
has put a cold rock in my ribs
the heaviness, it weighs on me and
permeates my soul
it makes me feel like vomiting
my actions aren't controlled
my brain tingles and screams at me
my fingers are but heavy meat
I'm sure my face is red with woe
because paranoia plagues me so I
spin on downwards endlessly
the torrent battering my eyes
howling wind sucks out my breath
so no longer can I scream
my words, it's certain, are not heard
by anyone but me
and it's absolutely certain that
my heart just will not mend from this
so what to do but take steps back
escape from this unending trap
which only rubs and makes me raw and
makes me feel unsafe, alone
perhaps my head will just explode -
maybe then my peace will come.

promise

The words I mean to leave my lips
are always jumbled, always missed
and every time I try to speak
the sounds come out so wrong it seems
that though I want to lift you up
I only make bad things erupt so
I want you just to know I care
and that I know you're lost somewhere
deep inside a foggy brain
I hope you know you're worth something
you're worth the world and more, I swear
the stars and galaxy are paled
by everything that shines in you the
force is greater than the moon's,
and though you may not feel it now
my heart is open to your hand and
I by your side, promise to stay
even on the worst of days
I'll be here, strong, with open arms
to welcome you in from the storm from
which my Nest, you've held me close
so please, let me return that hope.

meteor storms

When I look down at your face I
get this sense of loneliness
eyes are closed, breathing paced
right beside me with such distance, you
lay beside me, touch me, warm
but I can't feel your energy
and in my eyes there is a storm
held back only with a bravery, which
threatens to erase, incinerate
anything that dares come near
this tempest comes and goes in waves
bursting, thirsting, full of fear, but
as I look on through the gale
a trailing glimmer lights the sky
the squall is now so strongly paled
by memories of hearts on high, and
though a scar has been undug
I know your hands, their healing touch;
tenderly the ache is calmed
as I remember: we are us, who
couldn't help but fall in love
when climbing, conquering our mountains
we have touched the stars above
as they connected Earth to Heaven.

another day

Something I've discovered,
is that life will be okay.
No matter what the circumstance,
there'll come another day.
A day to tackle mountains,
to see the whole world shine
A day to conquer oceans,
and to wash away the brine.
The stars will shine forever,
a new world always turns.
The sun peeks up at morning,
waves, by the moon, are stirred.
There will be beginning,
each time there comes an end.
Flowers, each spring, blossom,
after winter's frosty hand.
Life is full of learning,
and of mistakes to be made.
But all these things are worth it -
open minds, they relish change.

I know, I know I know.

Lately I feel this sense of loss;
I question by what it has been caused.

A strange emptiness is in my chest,
it leaves me feeling lost, and stressed.
Those I know, I know I know,
seem lost within some undertow.

This sense of distance pervades my sight,
leaves me feeling confused and blind.
I know, I know I know their face,
for I can smell them, I can taste.

Some hollow feeling fills me through,
and leaves my heart rusty and blue.
I know, I know I know their heart,
upon my soul it should be scarred.

But something keeps me from reaching out,
from knowing exactly whom I am without.

Spoons

I am so unbelievably sorry
I forgot your long spoon.
What a terrible thing
For a server to do!
Among seven tables
Holding a full 32,
I just cannot believe
I forgot your damned spoon.
Between ranches and sodas,
All the things I must do.
All the napkins and silver,
And the screaming kids, too.
Several times past your table
I made eye contact with you.
At no time did you flag me,
And ask for a spoon.
When I stopped and asked,
"What else can I do?"
The frowns and raised eyebrows;
"Where is my spoon?"
"I'm so sorry, I'll get it!"
To my station I flew.
Returned in a jiffy,
"I'm so sorry, your spoon!"
Condescending frowns again,
No response from you brutes.
And then, when you cashed out,
The things left were two:
Exact change plus a penny.
You can choke on your spoon.

Fuck you.

Which Side?

There's a tug and pull from
Two different sides.
Between such opposites,
I feel deep a fright.

The feminine, the sexy,
The pure, the chaste one,
The power, the pulsing;
To which side do I run?

Do I be who I am,
Risk some kind of scorn?
Or hide my true side,
Leave it forever unknown?

At the same time I'm not just
Some pretty, sweet little thing;
A toy here to play with,
To pull 'round on a chain.

I want some connection,
To come with intimacy,
To feed into my core,
And lift up my whole being.

There must be something between
Life long and just friends.
I must find that balance,
So my life's not pretend.

The Only Thing

Tumbling, falling, crashing down
The only thing that's left's to drown
Gasping, choking, losing breath
Yearning for something less intense
A deep and dark and deadly sea
Filled with dangers unforseen
Clawing, grasping, reaching out
This feeling can be done without
Crushing pressure, breaking bones
Losing track of what's unknown
Blind and lost, full of despair
Struggle to leave the demon's lair
Slicing, ripping, tearing skin
Tries to reach the heart within
Burning, searing, blistering, scorched
Breaks the soul with so much force
Body's frozen, cannot move
The only thing that's left's to lose.

Something Beautiful

Something beautiful
My way did walk.
A figure so graceful,
My heart beat did stop.

Warm summer sunshine
Danced in the air -
A shimmer, a glimmer,
Of something so rare.

A hand that stretched out
For eternity,
Trying to reach;
To set the soul free.

Something beautiful,
It shivers, it sparks,
It glistens, it trembles,
It instigates art.

The glow of the stars
Will pale when compared
To anything given;
A happiness shared.

Analyze Me

How dare you think you understand;
Come close to feel my words?
I hate it when you analyze,
Think you know what makes me stir.
Who made me write this ode to love?
What made me feel alone?
Even if I tried to tell,
I don't think you could learn.
But go on, try to, if you dare,
Unlock my memories.
My past is too diff'rent from yours-
My experiences make me
                                                    ME.

Insecurities

Is there something wrong with me?
Is there something wrong with him?
Is there something wrong with everyone,
For whom I have a whim?

Is it possible to know,
When true love really hits?
Or do I have to wait around,
For my heart's apocalypse?

I often lay awake in wonder,
Of what will come to pass.
Eyes stay open full of worry;
Fear of having my hopes dashed.

In the end I'll be alone again,
So why try hard to fail?
It's because I see a burning light,
Piercing through my veil.

Female

She is female -
A delicate flower.
Emotional, hysterical;
Can't be stronger than you.

Nurturing, compassionate,
A mother-like creature.
Without this trait,
Her heart must be crude.

Oh, those round curves,
That full female figure;
Made just for man's hands,
Don't try to dispute.

Forgive her resistance -
Can't keep him waiting!
Whatever man wants,
Female is here to salute.

She needs protection;
Can't look after herself.
Female needs man,
To play guard on her boobs.

Female is power;
She doesn't need help.
Try to dance in her fire,
If you don't find her prude.

She is what she is,
Not what you want her to be.
How many females,
Have you viewed as lewd?

She has an opinion,
A working brain in her head.
Don't dare dismiss her,
Or try to label her "cute."

Eat your patriarchy -
Swallow it whole.
Female takes no shit;
She will not be subdued.

She is human -
Surviving unbroken.
Intelligent, rational,
Breaks chains of servitude.

Today

I wanted to be mad today,
Before I passed the door.
But I can't find a way to stay,
Pissed off anymore.

I wanted to be dark today,
Keep the sun in shroud.
Grow the balls to smack your face,
But I don't see a cloud.

I wanted to be sad today,
Cry away your memory.
But something happened that's insane:
Your face I no longer see.

I wanted to scream loud today,
Show the world you're wrong.
Show you there's a price to pay,
For doing someone harm.

I realized something strong today:
For once I think you're gone.
I can no longer see your face,
So now I can move on.

Pray

And if you pray to your precious god,
What will come to you?
Strong perfumes and expensive bath salts,
Heaven pays it's due.
Eternal life and admiration,
What promise drives you?
Do you act of your own volition?
Do you know the truth?
It is sacred, is that really so;
Is there a way to prove?
How can you really, truly know,
Which god will save you?

Torrents

The rain comes in torrents;
A tale left unspoken,
Pounding with pressure,
Letting off gives release.

Wave upon wave,
Of unspoken promise;
Is it forsaken,
For a life of defeat?

A cold trail of water,
Washes the path.
The story moves forward,
Unsullied and clean.

Wet, saturated Earth
Holds no remorse.
Reflected in kind,
A tale more pristine.

The Rain

It's nice to sit out in the rain -
Some people say it's cold.
I let it wash away my pain,
So I can focus on my goals.
It's petrichor reminds me: be alive -
Pay attention to the world.
See all there is for which to strive;
There is so much more than gold.
I don't care too much for shiny things,
They dim the brilliance of the day.
I'd rather listen to a giggling stream,
Than go somewhere and pay.
Give me the high of Mary Jane,
And a kiss to get me through.
No days we have are all the same,
Today I'll sit in the rain and stew.

Intention

Love is a human need and a heart's desire.
Hey, don't you know you stoke my fire?
I want to give you all that I have,
So we can stray from pain in the past.

All I want is for you to see -
Do you remember what you thought of me?
Way back when we fell in love...
I knew you were the hand that fit my glove.

I do not want all we have to be lost,
So let's build a bridge - we can make it across.
My hands are stretched out in your direction,
Take them or don't; show me your intention.