Fortune

Waiting for something,
to jump out at me.
Break open the shadows -
set passion free.

Why isn't it coming?
I swear it's right there.
I can sense a bright light;
it's blinding my fear.

I feel it coming,
on the tip of my tongue.
Something is brewing:
the most beautiful song.

With patience I'm sure
my heart will not stop.
Knowing fortune, then something
will land in my lap.

Fuck You

Fuck you.
And fuck you.
And FUCK you,
and you too!

All of you fuckers
belong in a zoo.
Animals,
the lot of you.

You're reckless,
thoughtless,
unkind, and
plain rude.

All you sharks do,
is swim in shit
and make my cork
come unglued

Insensitive,
ungrateful,
greedy,
and lewd.

The only thing
you twats
deserve is to
be screwed.

Fuck you.

Make Me Feel Full

I cannot sleep,
My mind is full.
What keeps it up,
I do not know.
Some sadness grips me,
It won't let go.
It won't tell me it's secrets,
Won't let me feel whole.
I just want to reach out,
For what I'm not sure.
Can I just have something,
That makes me feel full?

Patience

I am mostly very patient
I am not that way with love
My heart is desperate to be spent
On spirit to fill my cup

I miss being held in someone's arms
The scent of bodies close
Forget existence of what does harm
No longer feel exposed

I just have too much passion
For my own damn good
I can't even imagine
Someone who understood

Perhaps one day I'll find a
Person who makes me stir
Someone who dances in my flame
A love that needs no lure

Patience now, I keep in mind
Move on past the present
With bright, wide open eyes
I'll persist in my resilience

Enigmatic

You are somewhat enigmatic,
And I'm curious to know:
What is there inside of you?
Why do you hide your glow?

I think I'd like to find out,
Who you really are.
There's wonder hidden underneath -
I sense it from your heart.

And if I meet something too real,
Will I feel exposed?
What will I do if I find hell,
Behind the doors now closed?

If I reach out and take your hand,
And all it brings is pain,
Will I survive that wrath again?
You see why I'm afraid?

Despite all of my worries,
There's a part of me that stirs.
I dare to say it's worth the risk,
In quest for some thing more.

I don't want to fear for feel of love,
So try I will to seek the flame.
To reach through someone else's soul,
Is an act that holds no shame.

Something Beautiful

Something beautiful
My way did walk.
A figure so graceful,
My heart beat did stop.

Warm summer sunshine
Danced in the air -
A shimmer, a glimmer,
Of something so rare.

A hand that stretched out
For eternity,
Trying to reach;
To set the soul free.

Something beautiful,
It shivers, it sparks,
It glistens, it trembles,
It instigates art.

The glow of the stars
Will pale when compared
To anything given;
A happiness shared.

Through the Door

At times I wonder if I'll ever just
be okay.
Will there come a day I'll be able to
wake unafraid?
Some days I'm scared to just walk
through the door.
Something's burning inside me I
cannot ignore.

My bones do not ache.
My heart is not weak.
My blood's not impure.
Just can't walk
  through the door.

The world outside scares me,
I have to admit.
There's evil in people -
There's wickedness; sin.

Any step taken forward
is riddled with knots.
Sometimes survival seems
to be a long shot.

But stand up and walk through
every day I must do.
Don the customary mask -
hide my face when I'm blue.

Embrace this dark world,
remember it's grace.
Remember that evil
lurks not behind every face.

The sun always peeks out
on the tail of a storm,
creating a rainbow
that helps me walk
  through the door.

Frozen Brain

Sometimes the worst days
turn into the best.
Wake up, heart's stopped,
feeling depressed.

Minutes drag on,
leaving a trail.
Making forseen
the next time you fail.

You don't think
the worst thing
can happen -
It does.

Guard is dropped
frozen brain
reaching for stuff.

Someone steps in,
makes a diff'rence,
does something kind,
something Significant.

Earth resumes rotate,
breathing begins.
Movement is steady,
heart beats again.

Today is saved.
The sun shines again.
World's not all bad,
out there are Friends.

Chapter Two: A Whole Life

Goodbye to childhood,
To the pain in the past.
Farewell to anyone,
Who's e'er put me in last.

Goodbye to lost love,
To a tide of regrets.
So long to anything,
That's e'er caused stress.

Hello to today,
Tomorrow, next year.
Goodbye to anything,
That's e'er made me feel fear.

Hello to progress,
To moving forward in life.
I Welcome the future,
It shines oh, so bright.

With arms open wide,
I'll continue my growth.
The whole me is ready,
I've given my oath.


Background:

I wrote this on my 24th birthday, my golden birthday.  On that day, I burned a tree that my dad planted for me in our backyard when I was born.  It had gotten sick, and was rotting, so he cut it down and saved it for me.  It had been cut down for at least a year before he gave it to me.  It took me a little while to decide what to do with it.  I could have just burned it on a camping trip.  I decided, however, to burn it on my birthday this year as a symbol of my recently realized adulthood.

I took the time before burning it to chop it into smaller pieces with an axe, so it would fit into a fireplace.  It was extremely important to me that I went through this whole process myself, letting out my anger at the trauma I experienced in my youth.  This is the first year that I feel truly whole as a person, and able to tackle life with my head held high, unhindered by the anxiety and depression I struggled to conquer for more than a decade.

So here is a poem in dedication to my "baby tree," which I burned in the company of one of the most important people in my life, on a night I've chosen to symbolize the next chapter of my life.  Here's to moving forward, growing up, and leaving behind old wounds.

Analyze Me

How dare you think you understand;
Come close to feel my words?
I hate it when you analyze,
Think you know what makes me stir.
Who made me write this ode to love?
What made me feel alone?
Even if I tried to tell,
I don't think you could learn.
But go on, try to, if you dare,
Unlock my memories.
My past is too diff'rent from yours-
My experiences make me
                                                    ME.