Enigmatic

You are somewhat enigmatic,
And I'm curious to know:
What is there inside of you?
Why do you hide your glow?

I think I'd like to find out,
Who you really are.
There's wonder hidden underneath -
I sense it from your heart.

And if I meet something too real,
Will I feel exposed?
What will I do if I find hell,
Behind the doors now closed?

If I reach out and take your hand,
And all it brings is pain,
Will I survive that wrath again?
You see why I'm afraid?

Despite all of my worries,
There's a part of me that stirs.
I dare to say it's worth the risk,
In quest for some thing more.

I don't want to fear for feel of love,
So try I will to seek the flame.
To reach through someone else's soul,
Is an act that holds no shame.

Something Beautiful

Something beautiful
My way did walk.
A figure so graceful,
My heart beat did stop.

Warm summer sunshine
Danced in the air -
A shimmer, a glimmer,
Of something so rare.

A hand that stretched out
For eternity,
Trying to reach;
To set the soul free.

Something beautiful,
It shivers, it sparks,
It glistens, it trembles,
It instigates art.

The glow of the stars
Will pale when compared
To anything given;
A happiness shared.

Through the Door

At times I wonder if I'll ever just
be okay.
Will there come a day I'll be able to
wake unafraid?
Some days I'm scared to just walk
through the door.
Something's burning inside me I
cannot ignore.

My bones do not ache.
My heart is not weak.
My blood's not impure.
Just can't walk
  through the door.

The world outside scares me,
I have to admit.
There's evil in people -
There's wickedness; sin.

Any step taken forward
is riddled with knots.
Sometimes survival seems
to be a long shot.

But stand up and walk through
every day I must do.
Don the customary mask -
hide my face when I'm blue.

Embrace this dark world,
remember it's grace.
Remember that evil
lurks not behind every face.

The sun always peeks out
on the tail of a storm,
creating a rainbow
that helps me walk
  through the door.

Frozen Brain

Sometimes the worst days
turn into the best.
Wake up, heart's stopped,
feeling depressed.

Minutes drag on,
leaving a trail.
Making forseen
the next time you fail.

You don't think
the worst thing
can happen -
It does.

Guard is dropped
frozen brain
reaching for stuff.

Someone steps in,
makes a diff'rence,
does something kind,
something Significant.

Earth resumes rotate,
breathing begins.
Movement is steady,
heart beats again.

Today is saved.
The sun shines again.
World's not all bad,
out there are Friends.

Chapter Two: A Whole Life

Goodbye to childhood,
To the pain in the past.
Farewell to anyone,
Who's e'er put me in last.

Goodbye to lost love,
To a tide of regrets.
So long to anything,
That's e'er caused stress.

Hello to today,
Tomorrow, next year.
Goodbye to anything,
That's e'er made me feel fear.

Hello to progress,
To moving forward in life.
I Welcome the future,
It shines oh, so bright.

With arms open wide,
I'll continue my growth.
The whole me is ready,
I've given my oath.


Background:

I wrote this on my 24th birthday, my golden birthday.  On that day, I burned a tree that my dad planted for me in our backyard when I was born.  It had gotten sick, and was rotting, so he cut it down and saved it for me.  It had been cut down for at least a year before he gave it to me.  It took me a little while to decide what to do with it.  I could have just burned it on a camping trip.  I decided, however, to burn it on my birthday this year as a symbol of my recently realized adulthood.

I took the time before burning it to chop it into smaller pieces with an axe, so it would fit into a fireplace.  It was extremely important to me that I went through this whole process myself, letting out my anger at the trauma I experienced in my youth.  This is the first year that I feel truly whole as a person, and able to tackle life with my head held high, unhindered by the anxiety and depression I struggled to conquer for more than a decade.

So here is a poem in dedication to my "baby tree," which I burned in the company of one of the most important people in my life, on a night I've chosen to symbolize the next chapter of my life.  Here's to moving forward, growing up, and leaving behind old wounds.

Analyze Me

How dare you think you understand;
Come close to feel my words?
I hate it when you analyze,
Think you know what makes me stir.
Who made me write this ode to love?
What made me feel alone?
Even if I tried to tell,
I don't think you could learn.
But go on, try to, if you dare,
Unlock my memories.
My past is too diff'rent from yours-
My experiences make me
                                                    ME.

Do The Time

I hope one day to more than glimpse,

A moment of tingling fingertips.

A heart that beats in rhyme with mine,

A drum that shifts the sands of time.

Some chord with perfect melody,

A spirit to run free with me,

To grasp the tendrils of my flame,

To make me feel almost insane.

A force to defy common sense,

To break down any stupid fence.

That makes me want to shout with awe,

And leaves me feeling more than raw.

I want someone to do the time,

Resulting from our perfect crime.

Insecurities

Is there something wrong with me?
Is there something wrong with him?
Is there something wrong with everyone,
For whom I have a whim?

Is it possible to know,
When true love really hits?
Or do I have to wait around,
For my heart's apocalypse?

I often lay awake in wonder,
Of what will come to pass.
Eyes stay open full of worry;
Fear of having my hopes dashed.

In the end I'll be alone again,
So why try hard to fail?
It's because I see a burning light,
Piercing through my veil.

Female

She is female -
A delicate flower.
Emotional, hysterical;
Can't be stronger than you.

Nurturing, compassionate,
A mother-like creature.
Without this trait,
Her heart must be crude.

Oh, those round curves,
That full female figure;
Made just for man's hands,
Don't try to dispute.

Forgive her resistance -
Can't keep him waiting!
Whatever man wants,
Female is here to salute.

She needs protection;
Can't look after herself.
Female needs man,
To play guard on her boobs.

Female is power;
She doesn't need help.
Try to dance in her fire,
If you don't find her prude.

She is what she is,
Not what you want her to be.
How many females,
Have you viewed as lewd?

She has an opinion,
A working brain in her head.
Don't dare dismiss her,
Or try to label her "cute."

Eat your patriarchy -
Swallow it whole.
Female takes no shit;
She will not be subdued.

She is human -
Surviving unbroken.
Intelligent, rational,
Breaks chains of servitude.

Today

I wanted to be mad today,
Before I passed the door.
But I can't find a way to stay,
Pissed off anymore.

I wanted to be dark today,
Keep the sun in shroud.
Grow the balls to smack your face,
But I don't see a cloud.

I wanted to be sad today,
Cry away your memory.
But something happened that's insane:
Your face I no longer see.

I wanted to scream loud today,
Show the world you're wrong.
Show you there's a price to pay,
For doing someone harm.

I realized something strong today:
For once I think you're gone.
I can no longer see your face,
So now I can move on.

Pray

And if you pray to your precious god,
What will come to you?
Strong perfumes and expensive bath salts,
Heaven pays it's due.
Eternal life and admiration,
What promise drives you?
Do you act of your own volition?
Do you know the truth?
It is sacred, is that really so;
Is there a way to prove?
How can you really, truly know,
Which god will save you?

Smoke

Smoke, it curls around her lips -
Vapor dances across her fingertips.
Wispy trails caress her form,
As she begs smoke: please stay strong.
Mist curls and twists against the breeze,
Disappearing now into the trees.
And just like that, the trail is gone.
When she looks, smoke can't be found.
Soot's heat is now mere memory,
Something that cannot be seen.
Her eyes grow full with fear of loss;
Smoke is gone like a cunning fox.
She'll reach and grasp so desperately,
Praying for a glimpse of smoke on breeze.

Torrents

The rain comes in torrents;
A tale left unspoken,
Pounding with pressure,
Letting off gives release.

Wave upon wave,
Of unspoken promise;
Is it forsaken,
For a life of defeat?

A cold trail of water,
Washes the path.
The story moves forward,
Unsullied and clean.

Wet, saturated Earth
Holds no remorse.
Reflected in kind,
A tale more pristine.

The Rain

It's nice to sit out in the rain -
Some people say it's cold.
I let it wash away my pain,
So I can focus on my goals.
It's petrichor reminds me: be alive -
Pay attention to the world.
See all there is for which to strive;
There is so much more than gold.
I don't care too much for shiny things,
They dim the brilliance of the day.
I'd rather listen to a giggling stream,
Than go somewhere and pay.
Give me the high of Mary Jane,
And a kiss to get me through.
No days we have are all the same,
Today I'll sit in the rain and stew.

Edge of a Cliff

I'm on the edge of a cliff waiting for you,
To make up your mind - please tell me the truth.
Either let me fall or pull me in.
One way or another, I will begin.
With or without you, I will move on.
I want to do it together and make us strong.
If I must fall to the bottom and pick myself up,
I'm sure I can do it - my heart is tough.
I know it takes time to fall back in love,
And move past all of this horrible stuff.
But I'm fighting for balance while I wait to see,
If under the pain your heart still loves me.
Please push me off, man, or pull me back in,
So my heart can start moving forward again.

Intention

Love is a human need and a heart's desire.
Hey, don't you know you stoke my fire?
I want to give you all that I have,
So we can stray from pain in the past.

All I want is for you to see -
Do you remember what you thought of me?
Way back when we fell in love...
I knew you were the hand that fit my glove.

I do not want all we have to be lost,
So let's build a bridge - we can make it across.
My hands are stretched out in your direction,
Take them or don't; show me your intention.

Scar Tissue

I am so scared of the distance between us,
I have lost so much of you already.
I'm trying so hard to show you my patience,
I know you can't love til your heart is steady.

All the damage I've done is stuck in my brain,
So many regrets for things done and said.
I want so badly to move past this pain,
But I feel like we're stuck in limbo instead.

I know we can heal this together - I'm sure!
Scar tissue is thicker and tougher than skin.
Please, sir, there's so much I want to explore.
Our hearts can start beating together again.

The Silence of Us

I was inspired by the silence of us.
The simplicity - so little can hold so much.
That moment you held me in your arms,
I was bullet proof - the world could do no harm.
In that quiet I released so much tension.
It had all built up through repression.
We never confronted, together, all of our fears.
They separated us like a line of spears.
Let's pull these spears out of the ground,
Open our eyes and look around.
What can we do to escape this desert?
Save our love - the ultimate treasure.

What is Love?

Isn't it amazing,
How fucked society can be?
I'd rather run up to the mountains,
And hide inside a tree.
I think that we've forgotten,
What true love really is.
It's not some hot commodity,
It's so much more than hips.
Love isn't about virtue,
Or what you can provide.
It's not some magic story,
You can't get it with a bribe.
It takes time and understanding,
And a bit of chemistry.
And if you don't know compromise,
Then love isn't your scene.
Love is the whisper of a breeze,
Through trees on rainy days.
It's that spark that starts a fire,
In your lover's gaze.
It's the strength of caring arms,
When life becomes a fight.
It takes the weight off of your back,
When you've forgotten how to shine.
Love sees what is within you,
When you can't see yourself.
It's the force that pulls you up again,
When you've fallen off your shelf.
It gives you balance when you're lost,
And keeps life fresh and new.
Dive right in at any cost,
All is best when love-imbued.

Glass Beads

Life is a bunch of random moments,
Strung together like glass beads.
How do you remember them?
Can you hear them sing?
Have you ever had that moment:
One falls - shatters on the ground?
How long till you recover?
Can the missing pieces all be found?
Each one's a different color
Sometimes a different shape.
Do they glitter in the sun?
How many are opaque?
Can you see right through them,
To the other side?
Or do you have to sift through sands,
Behind the doors of time?
Will they all fit in your hand,
Or overflow a dish?
When you look back at these moments,
In your soul, do you feel rich?

Sailor's Life

We come from the land of the shining sea,
To see what we can conquer.
What treasure will we find?
We'll take what you don't offer.

Heave, ho, a sailor's life,
Is more than foreign lands.
Heave, ho, a sailor's life,
Is all that I could ask.

Take a good look at my gold teeth,
How do you think I got them?
With the riches that I find,
Come trials risking death.

Heave, ho, a sailor's life,
Is more than my rough hands.
Heave, ho, a sailor's life,
Is all that I could ask.

You may ask what's in it for me,
It's all worth fighting for, son.
If I want that wench right there,
I'll take her to my bed.

Heave, ho, a sailor's life,
Is more than drifting clouds.
Heave, ho, a sailor's life,
Is all that I could ask.

It's more than I could ask.

Shake It Off

Sometimes you just have to shake it off,
Drop everything to the floor.
Lose the world and feel again,
Let your heart be a wide open door.

Take a deep breath and spread your arms,
Kiss all your worries away.
Plant your feet and ground yourself,
Forget you were ever afraid.

Wrap yourself in a blanket of sky,
See all the good that's in store.
Lose your shields, hold your head high -
There's so much left in life to explore.

Just ask yourself, "What do I want?"
Please don't be afraid to say.
What is it that your heart desires?
Fulfill it despite any rain.

Independent

Is there someone who will let me be free?
I'm so afraid no one can handle me.
I want to love and live my life,
Without a magnet at my side.

Is there someone who can understand,
That I don't want a "traditional" man,
To break me down and make me cry -
I want someone who can help me rise.

Is there someone who can challenge me?
Someone smart, gentle with intensity.
I need a spark to light my flame
Please believe me, this is no game.

Is there someone who gets my love,
Who can see that all I want is trust?
Will you tell me everything,
Without me having to pull your strings?

Is there someone who can handle me?
I repeat: All I want is to be free.
I'm independent, that's for sure,
A quality for which there is no cure.

Poisoned Darts

It's so fucking hard to look at you -
There are so many things I miss.
There's something about the things you do.
I just want to kiss your lips.
I'm afraid that if I do that, though,
I'll break your heart again.

Why did you have to hug me?
Why did you have to stop?
I wish you would have kissed me.
I wish we could have fucked.
Sometimes I see you in my dreams -
Sometimes I feel so lost.

I hate myself when you cry,
Wish I could fix this mess.
Wish I could have you at my side,
It's too much to confess.
But you deserve the best in life...
I don't have that to invest.

You say we'll see each other soon -
I want that, oh, so bad.
But I'm afraid if I see you,
I'll want to take you to my bed,
Fly away together to the moon -
Can we stop being so sad?

I know it's a lot to ask,
But I want you by my side.
Wish we could have each other's back,
Have fun on this ride called life.
I'm so sorry we can't have that,
All we'd do is hurt our pride.

I'm sorry that I hurt you,
It's the last thing that I want.
I really hate to see you blue,
With dust that's on your heart.
I love you, it's the scary truth,
It's why we must stay apart.

All I do is cause you pain,
I know this sounds so harsh,
But all we'll do is wreck this train,
If we touch each other's hearts.
That's why forever we'll abstain,
From throwing poisoned darts.

Sit Pretty

What makes you think that you're entitled,
To a piece of me?
Am I some piece of magic fruit,
You can harvest from a tree?
Whenever YOU are ready,
Yeah come on, take a grab.
Forget I'm human with life dreams,
I'll just sit pretty on your lap.

I should have known long, long ago:
All you want from me is ass.
If you wonder now why I'm so cold,
It's because you have no class.
I owe you nothing, that's for sure -
I only owe myself.
Just 'cause I'm free don't mean I'm yours.
I won't sit on someone's shelf.

What makes you think I want someone,
To hold me - drag me down?
The only thing I want is room,
To carry out my plans.
I don't need someone to hold me back,
I always want to run.
Even if you could handle that,
I wouldn't want to hold your hand.

To Feel

"What is it like to feel the rain?"
She asked him, deep in thought.
"Sometimes I think I forgot my name,
And I don't know where I stop.
Am I a part of this lovely world,
Or is it a part of me?
Is it my mind that created gold,
In my heart, is there too much greed?
Is any of this even real,
Or have I manufactured it all?
Please tell me, are you made of steel,
Or intangible as the things I draw?"
And as she lay there next to him,
He reached out, grabbed her hand.
The sky opened up and touched her skin,
Reminded her she could feel again.
Her heart broke open, open wide,
As he whispered in her ear:
"Just remember who you are inside,
I love you for that, my dear."

What Do You See?

If all you see is a pretty girl,
Walk the fuck away.
If you don't want to see my world,
Just get out of my face.
There's so much more to me than beauty!
There's a part of me that burns.
Deep inside I want for plenty -
Always something for which I yearn.
My arms are always stretched out wide,
To take in more and more.
So many things that make me smile,
And warm me to my core.
I'd never give up how I feel,
Although sometimes it hurts.
There is always time to heal -
Pain only comes in spurts.
I crave the bite of the fire,
Far more than the cold of the dark.
The flame takes me higher and higher,
And strengthens all my scars.
If the sting of the coals excites you,
Come on, take my hand.
I love a challenge, that's the truth -
Let me show you my land.

Without You

I'm sitting on this porch
     Without you.
I'm watching the orange
     Take over the blue.
Before long it will be too late
     No escape.
There's no surrender now
     Forget it.
Then it was now or never
     Gone like a feather.
I've tasted the freedom now
     Can't you see?
The only thing I need
     Is me.
I've got my own back
     Without you.
I'm letting the happy
     Take over the blue.

Before

She runs till she can run no more,
Arms wide to take life in.
She sees what she did not before -
Some things just cannot break her skin.

She'll raise her eyes up to the sky,
Forget all of this pain.
Open her soul and fly up high -
She knows she will find love again.

She can't see what the future holds,
But fear she does not feel.
She laughs at lies that she's been told -
Emotion makes her strong as steel.

Her heart is strong deep in its core,
Right now its walls are weak.
She sees what she did not before -
For strength, all she must do is speak.

Presence

It's that feeling when you say you miss me so much
It's that deep down, heart wrenching throb in my gut.
In your arms is where I'd rather be
Than halfway across this huge country.
Without you, I'm sure that I can get by
But Mister, that's one thing I'm loathe to try.
I'd love to wake up with you by my side
The palm of your hand against my thigh.
I love the way you touch my hair
The feel of your skin against mine; bare.
I can't wait until I can see you again
Sweet nothings in text will suit me til then.
Words from you in the morning make my day
Without them I fear I'd get lost in the fray.
No matter how close or far you are
The strength of your presence warms my heart.

The Way I Am

I wish I didn't have to explain

Why I am the way I am.

Isn't it enough to say:

It's natural, it cannot change.

I love who I love

If their hand fits my glove.

I refuse to please society

And its fucked up views on monogamy.

The American Dream is a trap -

It will eventually lead to a collapse.

Devoting your life to just one soul

Takes away chances for personal growth.

The last thing I want is to be stuck in one place,

Unable to move, and unable to chase

The dreams that run throughout my head

Which lead me to have an open bed.

My arms are open, open wide

If I accept your heart, please come inside.

All I want is to share my life

With those who don't see me as a prize.

The last thing I am is a trophy.

If all you see is my beauty,

Please move on, I need much more

Than someone who wants me to stand by the door

And show off the home with a white picket fence -

That life would only make me depressed.

I want to explore the wide open world

I am so much more than a little girl!

I have goals and dreams and so much hope.

The last thing I need is to be held down by rope.

I want to run and be wild - no holding back

By the things society seems to lack.

I'm forgetting all the lies that I have been told

The last thing I have to do is fit a mold.

I'll shout in the face of those who disagree!

I won't give up my chance to be free.

The last thing I want to do is conform

To the bullshit that's called "Societal Norms."

I'll fly way up into the sky,

Let my wings take me high, high, high.

Looking down I'll see the crowds,

Of those who are trapped beneath the clouds.

I'll shout to them to break out of the box.

Come join me where there are no locks

To hold you back and beat you down,

Above the clouds, you cannot drown.

Be who you are and you will see

How wrong society can be.

A Yearning

I woke up late last night,
Not knowing where I was.
My heart beat hard with fright,
And my head was full of fuzz.

I felt something was missing,
What it could be I did not know.
In my head there was a whisper,
At my side an evanescent glow.

Above me shone a sea of stars,
Deep in which I knew I'd find,
Something that would grasp my heart,
And titillate my mind.

I searched hard for an answer,
All throughout the night.
But the only thing that came was fear,
And a yearning for the light.

At once I woke up from my dream,
But the feeling had not left.
All I wanted was to scream -
I didn't even have a guess.

For a moment all that came were tears,
Then suddenly I knew:
In my dreams I have to face my fears,
To make my way to you.

This is Our Home

Just like that, the walls came down.
Things changed by leaps and bounds.
Everything inside poured out and
Ripped apart all below the clouds.
Turmoil and chaos reigned the Earth
From the highest trees down to the dirt.
Disease and warfare pervaded the land
Until suddenly a shout rang loud!
It was the cry of those who'd been oppressed
Who had nothing left in which to invest.
They wondered: What happened to opportunity?
We were led to believe this was the land of the free.
We are top notch, boastful - we are the elite.
It's obvious now that it's all about greed.
Be the best, climb the ladder, get to the top.
Success is all that matters - forget about cost.
Material goods make us feel like gods,
For a time it seemed there was no way to fall.
Looking back it seems obvious - we should have known.
Prosperity and peace can only last for so long.
So now that we've fallen, we have to get up.
Heads held high, stand our ground, wipe the dirt off our butts.
Together we're strong, we can bring about change.
Hold our leaders accountable for fixing their ways.
Organize yourselves, get together and talk!
The next thing you know we'll be walking the walk.
The future holds promise, of that I am sure,
If we stay strong and remember:
                           This is our home.

Good Moments

Last night we sat under the magic moon,
I never imagined something like this could happen so soon.
The moon rose high above the trees,
That moment - I wish we could freeze.
The full, bright circle rose so high,
We watched it peak into the sky.
The fullness took my breath away,
But you did too, when I heard you say:

"Look my dear, up past the clouds.
Doesn't the galaxy make you aroused?
There's something special about the stars,
There's so much out there, far past Mars.
Think of all we have to see!
Out past these Purple Mountains Majesty.
The universe, it screams so loud!
There's so much out there to be found."

Let's dance together, under the moon.
You make me feel like a little girl - I swoon.
My heart beat throbs when you look at me,
Much like the waves of the tidal sea.
Again, we'll meet under the sky.
We'll forget the world, and away we'll fly.
Come with me, let's take a chance.
This universe deserves so much more than a glance.